The After

*This is the original piece I submitted to Elite Daily which was then edited to fit their audience and published as "Going To Group Therapy After My Rape Helped Me Rebuild My Life."

The After. That's where the pain is. Everyone thinks it's in The During. But that's the easy part. In The During, you're in so much disbelief that you don't even get a chance to think about the pain. But in The After you have a lot of time. You have the rest of your life.

The Hard Stuff

I tend to write a lot about hard stuff. Some people find that depressing. But the simple truth is life is hard and it's even harder when people post their filtered lives on social media, airbrushing away all the very real pain that is surely there. I want to be honest here.

I live in New York City, a place many only dream of living and a place most can't. I have my own apartment and an amazing job. I'm in a healthy relationship. I have friends and family that would do anything for me. It would be very easy to only show you these parts of my life - the parts that aren't messy. But that's not reality.

2018: Year in Review

In 2015 and 2016, I wrote short and sweet recaps on the previous 365 days and in 2017 I turned it into a narrative. This past year's recap is going back to the crowd pleasing stream of consciousness. Here we go, fam.

Rang in 2018 in Brooklyn. BROOKLYN. Started group therapy. Thought I might not make it. Stopped writing for a bit. Interviewed for a photo essay which was featured in the New York Times. DAMN. Spoke about my assault in front of students at an event. Started a new job. YAY. Tried to prosecute my rapist. Went to Denver. Went to London. Went to Delaware. Went to Nashville. Went to Nantucket (which has resulted in subsequent trips to Newport Beach). Went to Raleigh. Went home to Northern Virginia and Myrtle Beach a few times. Ugly cried when I said bye to my roommates. Moved to the west side of Manhattan. Purged some stuff including people. Stood up beside two of my best friends as they sealed the deal.

2018, you kinda did me dirty for most of the year. But I learned a lot from you and I'm ready to see what your girl 2019 has to throw at me.

Here are 2018's most read posts. I'm only listing two because I was basically a vegetable this year and thus, didn't do much writing.

• Your GIF Guide to Sexual Consent
• This is What Healing Looks Like 

The Definitive Guide To Stuffing Your Lady's Stockings

Yes. That was intended to sound sexual. I haven't done one of these since 2016; how else was I supposed to grab your attention?

Listen up, folks. I feel like Christmas stockings don't get enough credit. While the contents of the Christmas stocking were once the only gifts children received at Christmas (filled with oranges and other super random items), they have now become an afterthought. They are the reason my parents raced to 7-11 at midnight, desperate to find useless items to shove into an oversized sock. Christmas stockings have been pushed into the shadows. We mindlessly pull goodies out of them knowing the fat man in the red suit left all the good stuff under the tree. I am here today to put a stop to this nonsense.

Are you nodding your head 'yes' enthusiastically at this point? Continue reading, my friend. I'm about to knock your socks off (obnoxious and obvious pun totally intended).

If you're dating a woman - first off, congrats because we are amazing; and also, yikes - shopping for us must be brutal. Especially when it comes to health and beauty products. So if you're a man reading this (and I haven't lost you by now), have no fear - I'm here. I'm about to tell you how to stuff your lady's stockings with the best goddamn goodies she's ever seen. Alright, I'll stop with the innuendos.

1.) RevitaLash Advanced Eyelash Conditioner - If you buy one product because you read this post, please make it this one. I've tried eyelash extensions - they are super expensive and high-maintenance. I've tried fiber mascara - it's messy. This is the only product I've come across in my 30 years of being a woman that actually gives me the long lashes I'm looking for and bonus, they are 100% mine. In fact, it works so well my guy actually complimented me on them. Whoa. 

*DEAL ALERT* at the time of this posting, this is $30 cheaper than it normally is. Seriously dudes, buy this for your lady. This shit works.

2.) Dermal Collagen Facial Mask - I'm of the age now where a solid skincare regiment is no longer an "if I feel like it" option. Slap the description "anti-aging" on literally anything and I guarantee I'll do a double-take and possibly buy in bulk from Amazon. Enter sheet masks. I love a good sheet mask after a rough day and these ones in particular leave my face soft as butter after using them. What's even better is that you can get these in a bundle of 16 for a little over $10.

3.) Batiste Dry Shampoo - Gents, I'm going to fill you in on a dirty, little secret. Does your girl have great volume? Perfect curls that stay in place? A surprisingly strong floral-scented scalp that you've never really questioned before but now in this moment it's giving you pause? It's not her. It's the dry shampoo. We don't wash our hair every day a.) because we're lazy and b.) because it is REALLY bad for your hair to strip it of natural oils and then burn the shit out of it every morning. I go through about two cans a month, three if my social calendar is empty. Buy this for your girl and save on your water bill.

4.) Invisibobble Original Hair Tie - How many of your girl's hair ties have you found on door knobs, bed posts, gear shifts, etc.? Truly there aren't enough hair ties in the world to keep us satisfied. BUT, these guys are hard to lose (look how fun they are!) and they also do minimal damage to hair compared to other hair ties. This product also claims to not leave a kink in your hair when you take it out - I think this really depends on hair type so no promises on that one.

5.) Aquis - Original Hair Towel - I feel like I should earn an honorary degree for all of the wisdom I am imparting on the male species right now. So sometimes we wash our hair. And when we do, the big no-no most women make is putting their hair up in a heavy, cotton towel while it's drying. Stop doing that! It's really bad for your hair! Use this instead. It's super light which means it's gentle on your hair. Also, for the lucky ladies with super thick and long hair, this thing promises to dry your hair more quickly than a conventional towel. I can't attest to that because my hair is basically dry as soon as I turn the water off. Pro tip: use this to cover your hair while you're doing an overnight conditioning mask so you don't ruin your pillows. 

6.) Neutrogena Makeup Remover Towelettes - Raise your hand if your lady has ruined each and every one of your towels with makeup (I think I owe my mother an entire new set). Truth is, makeup is a bitch. Putting it on, wearing it, taking it off. The whole thing sucks and if I was one of those girls who could pull off the no-makeup look, TRUST I WOULD. Anyways, makeup remover wipes do just what they say they'll do. Also, earn bonus points with your SO by leaving these in her nightstand for when she's super lazy and doesn't feel like washing her face before bed. It be like that sometimes.

7.) Cremo Moisturizing Shave Cream - Let me start this one off by saying you have to follow the directions for this to work. And once you figure out how to do that you will save so much money on shaving cream. I searched through my Amazon orders to find out when I last bought this. You guys, I've had my current bottle since mid-June. No comment on how often I shave my legs. Anyways, this isn't ordinary shaving cream. Besides the fact this stuff smells like I'm on a tropical island surrounded by no one (my dream vacation), it works by using a tiny amount of product activated by hot water (the hottest you can stand). The texture is completely different than regular shave cream so don't be freaked out by that. I've been using this stuff for three years and I'll never go back.

8.) Shhhowercap - As I'm writing this post I'm getting increasingly more aware that men just have it way too easy. Anyways, next on the definitive guide is the most amazing shower cap in existence. Yes, shower cap. Like your great grandmother used to wear. Alright guys, get over it - now that we've discovered dry shampoo we're simply not going to go back to washing our hair every day. Moving on - this thing repels water. Not in a regular shower cap way. In like, a NASA employee mastered science and figured out how to keep this thing permanently dry kind of way. Haven't won you over yet? This thing also has some kind of Harry Potter sorcery included as a package deal because it somehow blocks humidity which is the #1 enemy of a good hair day.

9.) UGG Womens Cozy Sparkle Socks - I realize that socks will go down with underwear as being the worst gifts you can give someone but, before you pass on stuffing a sock into a significantly larger sock and call it a gift - hear me out. When's the last time your lady cuddled up to you and used you as a personal heating pad for her feet? Probably always. I received these as a gift last year and they are my favorite pair of cozy socks to date. Pair with an oversized sleep shirt to complete the look.

Pretty sure I just filled my good deed quota for 2018. Good luck out there, men. If you follow this guide, I promise you - you can't go wrong. Ladies, feel free to subtly hint at wanting these items by posting this directly onto your SO's Facebook page. 

Therapy Saved My Life

I recently got a request to post something (how about anything?) lighthearted on the blog and while I agree that it would be nice to post something less heavy than my norm, it's gonna have to wait.

This time of year can be extremely difficult for many. In fact, I think this time of year is difficult for most to some degree but society tells us that we're supposed to walk around like we're lit on eggnog all the time, and so we perform. We shove the stress and anxiety and depression and inconvenient thoughts down, down, down. I get it. I am so good at that game. Which is why before I post something lighthearted, I need to post something that could potentially save someone's life. 

A little over a year ago I was beginning to spiral. I've written about my struggle with mental health in many of my previous posts so I won't do it again here, but for those who are new to the blog you can read about my sexual assault and PTSD here, here, here, and here. Yeah, I talk about it a lot because it needs to be talked about.

You wouldn't think so, but it's actually easy to recall the details of what it was like during the worst of the worst. It's easy because I can't imagine that I'll ever be able to forget those days. They are extremely vivid memories. But what I haven't talked a lot about is how I got to that really bad place.

It was happening slowly but it happened before I knew it. I began to withdraw. I would cancel on friends. Shut myself in my bedroom. Self-medicate with sleeping pills. Essentially, I wanted to "not be." I didn't want to feel. If someone would have asked me if I was suicidal, I would have answered emphatically, "no." And I truly wasn't. But I was also desperate to not feel anything anymore. To make matters worse, I was really good at hiding all of this. The "I'm too busy" or "it's too cold out" texts were frequent and the "I don't want to talk about it" reply was automatic anytime someone tried to care. By the time I realized what was happening and reached out for professional help, I was already pretty far gone. I had no idea just how bad it was about to get over the following months.

It scares me to think of what could have happened if I hadn't reached out for help. I'm not telling you my experience with individual and group therapy was easy, if you've read my posts you know I fought hard to get here. But it could have been worse. And I could have found myself in a hole so deep I might not have been able to get out. 

Let me be clear, what we're talking about here isn't some holiday sadness that Hallmark movies tell you can be cured with a puppy and a fiance (side note, I fucking hate those movies). The desperation one feels around this time of year is something that is preexisting and it is only amplified by the holiday pressure to be social, act happy, and show your love by spending thousands of dollars. In my case, I was already feeling the symptoms of my PTSD when the holidays came around.

If you are in pain now, please know that you are not alone. You are surrounded by people who are hurting just like you and you have nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not abnormal. 

You are brave for getting out of bed every morning. You are brave for fixing that smile on your face before you walk out the door. You are brave for making it through another day. I know it doesn't feel that way. I know you feel weak and unworthy. I know. But I promise you - I can tell you from experience - it. gets. better. 

I implore you - if you are desperate to not feel, especially if you are desperate enough to take your life, please reach out for help. You can cry. You can talk. You can get answers and most importantly, you can get help. 

You are needed here. You are wanted here. You are loved here.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 

1 800-273-8255