Too Much. Not Enough.

I had big plans for 2020. This was supposed to be the year that I became a better version of me. Melissa 3.1. And then very slowly but seemingly all at once, the world stopped turning and now when we ask "how are you doing?", we mean it. 

My aspirations weren't too high. I was going to pay off the last of my student loans. Take solo cultural vacations. Start dating again. Take the GMAT. Lose that extra 10. Start writing again. 

I wanted to better myself. I wanted to BE better. 

Getting What You Deserve

One thing (probably the only thing) that's been consistent on my blog is honesty. I've always been transparent about how messy my life is and have avoided sugarcoating it. I think it's important to remember that the internet is full of filters and edits and everyone is hiding the ugly. I won't be sharing the following on social media because it doesn't seem appropriate but this is in many ways my online journal, so my thoughts live here. 

The Best Thing About the Worst Thing You've Ever Done

Recently, I did a really, really, REALLY stupid thing. I ignored my gut. I refused to listen to sage advice. And I only listened to those who were telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. I told myself it would be fine. I'd be fine. It would even be fun. I went against something so intrinsic to my character that it literally gave me anxiety every time I thought about it. Which was a lot. I did something stupid. And then it came back to bite me in the ass. I don't want to contradict Miss Swift, but I did something bad and, you guys, it did not feel good.

I'm not going to get into details but for all my family members out there, don't worry, I didn't break the law. This time.

Let me be clear. This isn't the first time I've done something dumb. I mean, I literally moved to New York City on a whim. That one didn't turn out so bad though. Honestly, I'm surprised I graduated college and have maintained a stable career. Anyways - the point is, I've done a lot of really dumb shit in my 28 years. I'm sure I haven't even seen the worst of it yet. But every time I've f***ed up, I've cried it out and walked it off. 

I know a lot of people try to make their lives seem perfect on social media. But that's a curated life full of carefully planned moments. That's not real. A real life is messy. It's getting your heart broken. Living paycheck to paycheck. It's getting fired. It's losing your shit on your kid and it's using boxed hair dye. Being an adult is hard. These stupid decisions we make are a part of learning and growing up. 

The best thing about the worst thing you've ever done is that you learned from it. And hopefully you never do it again. Try new things. Make mistakes. Fall on your ass. But get back up again. Try a different path. Just keep trying. It's when you stop trying that you start failing. 

Someone should seriously make a post card out of that because that was some Gandhi shit. 

Online Dating Tips for Bros

I know, I've done it before. I've bitched about dating as an adult. And in an attempt to be a more positive person, I've prepared a quick "go-to guide" for you fellas to consult while constructing your online dating profile. Because sweet Jesus, I might be getting carpal tunnel from swiping left all day. I've outlined instances that constitute an immediate swipe left or swipe right based on my own experiences. Ladies, feel free to submit additions to either lists in the comments. Also: men, please stop using the opening line, "Hey." A head nod doesn't do it for me anymore because I'm not 15 years old. 

Automatic Swipe Left:

• Pics of you vaping in a button down shirt buttoned all. the. way. down.
• Pics of you vaping
• Group pics and only group pics. Where the fuck is Waldo?
• Wardrobes consisting of Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc.
• Claiming to be 32 but looking 52.
• Claiming to be 32 but looking 12.
• Bathroom pics. How embarrassing.
• "Entrepreneur" as your occupation. AKA, unemployed.
• Any affiliation with the RNC/GOP. #HillaryforPresident
• Daywalker. I'm half ginge, I can't take any chances.
• Your bio lists all of the places you traveled. "OMG, you climbed Machu Picchu? Tell me more."
• Pics of you shooting a gun
• Talking about working on The Hill

Automatic Swipe Right:

• Pics of your puppy
• Pics of you and your puppy
• Pics of your puppy sleeping 
• Pics of your puppy with a baby 
• Pics of your puppy sleeping with a baby *Oh my ovaries*
• Quoting Step Brothers
• Quoting Happy Gilmore
• Quoting Home Alone

Raise Your Hand if You're Dating Me. If Not, Raise Your Standards

I want to start by apologizing to any of my Tinder beaus who found my blog and are now reading this post. Also, kudos on your creepiness from a fellow creeper.

If you're a single gal living in a metropolitan area, you can relate when I say that dating blows. It's totally different than "back home," wherever that may be. In the DC area, it all starts with "what do you do?" and ends with you ghosting on him after you made him pay for your $30 entree at Circa. #sorrynotsorry

Dating as an adult is not fun and it's not easy. It's a chore. I can think of about a bazillion (that's a number, right?) things I'd rather be doing than making forced, awkward conversation with a complete stranger that looks completely different (and substantially less attractive) than their pics on Tinder.

Yeah, let's talk about dating apps for a minute. I kid you not, the amount of messages I have received on OkCupid and Tinder have probably reached the 1k mark at this point. Out of those, about 99.9% are so effing creepy. I once had a complete stranger offer to fly himself out to DC so that I could take his virginity. That's weird enough without mentioning the fact that these apps match you to people based on your location. He was from Michigan. Thanks but no thanks dude.

Anyways.

So dating is hard. But I'm honestly not worried about it.  No matter how many times my brother-in-law calls me a crazy cat lady. Do you know how amazing it is that I can come home at the end of a 12 hour day, walk in the door, take off my pants, and pour myself a glass of wine? If you don't know, then you're doing it wrong. Listen guys, I'm totally fine with not sharing a bathroom with someone who leaves his beard clippings in the sink, pees in the shower, or clips his toenails in the living room. My ex did that and worse. Seriously, boys are gross.

the losers that lost me*

To all the single ladies, I salute you. It's a fucking battlefield out there and I wish you the best! What are your most awkward date stories? Anyone have a frog who turned into a prince? No? Yeah, me either.


*None of these guys are losers...only in the sense that they aren't dating me.