The Definitive Guide To Stuffing Your Lady's Stockings

Yes. That was intended to sound sexual. I haven't done one of these since 2016; how else was I supposed to grab your attention?

Listen up, folks. I feel like Christmas stockings don't get enough credit. While the contents of the Christmas stocking were once the only gifts children received at Christmas (filled with oranges and other super random items), they have now become an afterthought. They are the reason my parents raced to 7-11 at midnight, desperate to find useless items to shove into an oversized sock. Christmas stockings have been pushed into the shadows. We mindlessly pull goodies out of them knowing the fat man in the red suit left all the good stuff under the tree. I am here today to put a stop to this nonsense.

Are you nodding your head 'yes' enthusiastically at this point? Continue reading, my friend. I'm about to knock your socks off (obnoxious and obvious pun totally intended).

If you're dating a woman - first off, congrats because we are amazing; and also, yikes - shopping for us must be brutal. Especially when it comes to health and beauty products. So if you're a man reading this (and I haven't lost you by now), have no fear - I'm here. I'm about to tell you how to stuff your lady's stockings with the best goddamn goodies she's ever seen. Alright, I'll stop with the innuendos.

1.) RevitaLash Advanced Eyelash Conditioner - If you buy one product because you read this post, please make it this one. I've tried eyelash extensions - they are super expensive and high-maintenance. I've tried fiber mascara - it's messy. This is the only product I've come across in my 30 years of being a woman that actually gives me the long lashes I'm looking for and bonus, they are 100% mine. In fact, it works so well my guy actually complimented me on them. Whoa. 

*DEAL ALERT* at the time of this posting, this is $30 cheaper than it normally is. Seriously dudes, buy this for your lady. This shit works.

2.) Dermal Collagen Facial Mask - I'm of the age now where a solid skincare regiment is no longer an "if I feel like it" option. Slap the description "anti-aging" on literally anything and I guarantee I'll do a double-take and possibly buy in bulk from Amazon. Enter sheet masks. I love a good sheet mask after a rough day and these ones in particular leave my face soft as butter after using them. What's even better is that you can get these in a bundle of 16 for a little over $10.

3.) Batiste Dry Shampoo - Gents, I'm going to fill you in on a dirty, little secret. Does your girl have great volume? Perfect curls that stay in place? A surprisingly strong floral-scented scalp that you've never really questioned before but now in this moment it's giving you pause? It's not her. It's the dry shampoo. We don't wash our hair every day a.) because we're lazy and b.) because it is REALLY bad for your hair to strip it of natural oils and then burn the shit out of it every morning. I go through about two cans a month, three if my social calendar is empty. Buy this for your girl and save on your water bill.

4.) Invisibobble Original Hair Tie - How many of your girl's hair ties have you found on door knobs, bed posts, gear shifts, etc.? Truly there aren't enough hair ties in the world to keep us satisfied. BUT, these guys are hard to lose (look how fun they are!) and they also do minimal damage to hair compared to other hair ties. This product also claims to not leave a kink in your hair when you take it out - I think this really depends on hair type so no promises on that one.

5.) Aquis - Original Hair Towel - I feel like I should earn an honorary degree for all of the wisdom I am imparting on the male species right now. So sometimes we wash our hair. And when we do, the big no-no most women make is putting their hair up in a heavy, cotton towel while it's drying. Stop doing that! It's really bad for your hair! Use this instead. It's super light which means it's gentle on your hair. Also, for the lucky ladies with super thick and long hair, this thing promises to dry your hair more quickly than a conventional towel. I can't attest to that because my hair is basically dry as soon as I turn the water off. Pro tip: use this to cover your hair while you're doing an overnight conditioning mask so you don't ruin your pillows. 

6.) Neutrogena Makeup Remover Towelettes - Raise your hand if your lady has ruined each and every one of your towels with makeup (I think I owe my mother an entire new set). Truth is, makeup is a bitch. Putting it on, wearing it, taking it off. The whole thing sucks and if I was one of those girls who could pull off the no-makeup look, TRUST I WOULD. Anyways, makeup remover wipes do just what they say they'll do. Also, earn bonus points with your SO by leaving these in her nightstand for when she's super lazy and doesn't feel like washing her face before bed. It be like that sometimes.

7.) Cremo Moisturizing Shave Cream - Let me start this one off by saying you have to follow the directions for this to work. And once you figure out how to do that you will save so much money on shaving cream. I searched through my Amazon orders to find out when I last bought this. You guys, I've had my current bottle since mid-June. No comment on how often I shave my legs. Anyways, this isn't ordinary shaving cream. Besides the fact this stuff smells like I'm on a tropical island surrounded by no one (my dream vacation), it works by using a tiny amount of product activated by hot water (the hottest you can stand). The texture is completely different than regular shave cream so don't be freaked out by that. I've been using this stuff for three years and I'll never go back.

8.) Shhhowercap - As I'm writing this post I'm getting increasingly more aware that men just have it way too easy. Anyways, next on the definitive guide is the most amazing shower cap in existence. Yes, shower cap. Like your great grandmother used to wear. Alright guys, get over it - now that we've discovered dry shampoo we're simply not going to go back to washing our hair every day. Moving on - this thing repels water. Not in a regular shower cap way. In like, a NASA employee mastered science and figured out how to keep this thing permanently dry kind of way. Haven't won you over yet? This thing also has some kind of Harry Potter sorcery included as a package deal because it somehow blocks humidity which is the #1 enemy of a good hair day.

9.) UGG Womens Cozy Sparkle Socks - I realize that socks will go down with underwear as being the worst gifts you can give someone but, before you pass on stuffing a sock into a significantly larger sock and call it a gift - hear me out. When's the last time your lady cuddled up to you and used you as a personal heating pad for her feet? Probably always. I received these as a gift last year and they are my favorite pair of cozy socks to date. Pair with an oversized sleep shirt to complete the look.

Pretty sure I just filled my good deed quota for 2018. Good luck out there, men. If you follow this guide, I promise you - you can't go wrong. Ladies, feel free to subtly hint at wanting these items by posting this directly onto your SO's Facebook page. 

10 Random Christmas Thoughts

1. Does anyone actually like Mariah Carey's Christmas album or do we as a community just continually play her songs because we feel bad for her? 
2. The line say, what's in this drink? from "Baby, It's Cold Outside" makes me really uncomfortable.
3. Christmas would be so much better if Santa was actually real.
4. I know absolutely nothing about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. 
5. Can anyone give me a legitimate reason for why the Christmas tree needs to come down? Is there a rule book I'm not aware of?
6. I just found out two years ago that the Santa in "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" is the dad. Turns out mom isn't a ho ho ho. 
7. I've eaten so much cookie dough and haven't yet shown any symptoms of salmonella poisoning. #justamyth
8. Related: I will be one of the many fatties joining a gym come January 1. 
9. Why is no one else concerned that Home Alone traumatized Macaulay Culkin so much that he now looks like this?
10. I know that as a citizen of the world, I should be extremely concerned about global warming but I'm not gonna lie, I don't hate this 70 degree weather.

Merry Christmas Eve! I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe holiday with family and friends!

A Turkey and a Tear Jerker

I'm really bummed I'm just now getting around to posting this. Work has been pretty crazy lately and I've just added yet another responsibility on top of all the other shit I have going on (more on that later). So I apologize, yet again, for being a really shitty blogger. But life happens. Anyways.

This year my family celebrated Thanksgiving a bit early due to busy schedules on the actual holiday. Related: does this mean we can put up our Christmas tree early too? My mom drove up for the weekend and we got to spend quality time playing euchre (it's a Michigan thing), drinking wine and stuffing ourselves with a delicious Thanksgiving feast. Em refused to touch her plate which just meant more for all of us. What a sucker. This girl doesn't even know what she's missing out on. I could probably eat an entire bag of stovetop stuffing by myself and wash it down with a couple spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. Sound like I'm talking from experience? You'll never know...

Alright, I know everyone does this and it's probably plastered all over your Facebook news feed right now but....I want to "give thanks." I too find myself getting annoyed reading posts about how thankful you are for your emotionally abusive boyfriend and shitty job but really, is hearing people being thankful such a bad thing? No, it's not. I'm just an extremely negative person. So here we go, if you haven't clicked "back" in your browser already...

If you know me well, you know that my family has quite. the. story. Seriously. It could be a Lifetime movie (I won't get into the specifics now, I'll save that for a slow news day). Yet, despite all of the really horrible things I've seen and felt and heard, my family is everything.

I have a sister that is truly more like a best friend who I can yell at on occasion and then borrow clothes from. We used to not get along at all. We're totally different. She's bossy and I'm overly emotional. She needs a plan and I'd rather wing it. Did I mention the bossy part? She's my cheerleader and a lot of the times my caretaker (because she's a way better cook than I am). She's always 100% honest with me and tells me exactly what I need to hear, even when I really effing don't want to hear it (i.e. "I don't like your hair blonde;" "Do you really need that shirt or do you just want that shirt;" "Stop dating assholes").

My mother is literally a saint. This woman has been through the fire and then five more fires after that. I don't know how she did it. I really don't know how she made it. She's the strongest person I know. The things she's had to live through are literally out of a nightmare and she is still the most selfless person I know. She will do anything for you, regardless of what it costs. All of those years that I was (yes, past tense) a total brat, she put up with me and surprisingly didn't kick me out of the house. Looking back, I would have kicked myself out for some of the things I did and said. I did not make her life any easier. Yet she's still here, taking my calls when I have the flu or just want to complain. I couldn't have been blessed with a better mother.

My father is probably the funniest man alive. We once drove through a Starbucks at night halfway through a 20 hour road trip and he ordered a "vagina macchiato." Alright, that is probably sexual harassment now that I think about it but it was the funniest thing I had ever heard at the time. I have always been a "daddy's girl." I remember watching him at his work bench doing whatever dads do at work benches and being in awe of him. He knew how to do everything. There wasn't anything he couldn't accomplish. He was my superhero and he still continues to amaze me.

We're not perfect. We've been the talk of the town. But we could have had it a lot worse. And I'm thankful that I get to say that I have a sister, mother and father. Not everyone gets to do that. I love you guys and I'm so glad that it was you.

It's Nothing But a Bunch of Hocus Pocus!

You guys. I love Halloween. More than any other holiday. And this year did not disappoint. I know you're all dying to know (probably not) what I was for Halloween. My brother-in-law says I went as myself but I was actually dressed up as a Basic Bitch. Yoga pants, dress shirt, Uggs, Northface fleece, and of course I carried around a Starbucks cup. Unfortunately, I did not get a picture of this awesome costume because I was having way too much fun with friends and family. Worst blogger ever. Sorry! I did however take lots of pictures of everyone else!

I went over to my sister's place to participate in some family Halloween festivities. My doggy nephew, Gus, is a Halloween pup. He was actually born on my favorite holiday. Tell me that isn't adorable! So not only did we get to celebrate Halloween, we also got to celebrate Gus's 3rd birthday (21 in human years). This pup is legal now. I made him a birthday cake to celebrate this special milestone!



We Amanda carved a pumpkin and got really really serious about it. For real though, I guess it takes one adult, one toddler and a golden retriever to do this right. Look how intense they are. It actually turned out pretty nice, surprisingly. Another thing I didn't get a picture of. #worstbloggerever

Then this happened. So on the rare occasion that I actually do my hair, I like to curl and set it (seen here). So when we decided to take a family walk around the neighborhood (a.k.a. start trick-or-treating early) I threw on a robe so it looked like I was in costume and not just a psycho walking around the neighborhood in curlers. Totally worked. Also, check out Em's furrowed brow. She was not feelin' the selfie with auntie. And Gus desperately wanted to be included, per usual.

I know I'm totally biased but isn't she just the cutest little witch? This poor thing was not feeling well at all but she was a total trooper and stuck it out til the end. We managed to hit up 5 houses before totally losing our shit and calling it a night. Next year, Em. I'm coming for your candy.

So after I hung out with mi familia, I went to Nightmare on M Street. It's a huge bar crawl full of cheap booze and girls in fishnets. Best moment: dancing with a stranger to a live band and totally clearing the dance floor. I kid you not, people were recording us. Whether that's because we were so amazing or so awful, I will never know. I'm probably a Youtube sensation right now, nbd.

Also, I would have loved to do a Halloween home tour but unfortunately I have neither the funds nor the square footage to REALLY decorate for this holiday. I basically just put out a fake pumpkin and lit a cider and doughnut scented candle. Bummer. Maybe when Navient Loans quits hitting me up for my cash?

I hope you all had a safe and fun Halloween with friends and family!

Fall Festival Fun

This past weekend we took Em to Cox Farms Fall Festival. Best $17 dollars I ever spent. If you live in the area and you're desperate for child entertainment, let your kid run amok in this place. We ended up staying longer than planned because there was just so much to do. Em was a sponge taking it all in. Not going to lie, I was just as entertained as she was. It was absolutely freezing unless you were standing directly in the sun with no wind blowing but we still had a blast. What a fun place! See for yourself!

Em loved seeing all of the fall and Halloween themed objects that she's been reading about in her books. Including the farm animals! She is basically a goat whisperer. Seriously. How adorable is that? She kept calling them "Gush." Golden retriever. Billy goat. Same thing.

We also found out that llamas are fucking weird. Just look at this thing. It will never grow out of it's awkward phase. Ever. Yikes.

Not pictured is the 20 minute hayride that was absolutely. adorable. It was so interactive. All the kids and adults loved it! We also tried a 150 ft. slide and HATED IT. 

And then we found out that Em is almost half as tall as I am which means that I am abnormally short. We also contemplated the existence of apples and why they taste so good even after dropping them 2349834934 times in the dirt.

We finished off the day by stopping at Dogfish Head Brewery for some much needed libations. I taught Em the word "booze" and I hope it's only a matter of months before I can get her to start bringing me beers.

Also, it's been a rough couple of days for me. I've been fighting pharyngitis for about a week now and losing. Being sick is the absolute worst. I feel like a walking germ. One can only ingest so many cough drops and chicken noodle soup. To all of you back home in the Mitten who were able to enjoy yourselves at Spicer's Orchards, I'm totally jelly!

Trick or Treat!

Halloween is a pretty big deal in my family. So much so, that my brother-in-law claims that my sister, mother and I are in a coven. I wish. Because if I had magical powers I would cast spells that made me skinny and cure hangovers. Alas, I have no thigh gap and a residual hangover from Saturday night. 

I still get a really big kick out of Halloween even though I no longer drag an old, dingy pillowcase from house to house, begging for candy and wearing a princess costume inevitably covered up by a winter coat (I have an overprotective mother). 

To this day, I remember coming back with our goodies and dumping the contents of the pillowcase out on the floor between our legs. I'd always give my mom the Jujubes and Hot Tamales because they are absolutely disgusting, my sister would give me all of her milk chocolates (dairy allergy) and my dad would shamelessly steal the candy that we had worked so hard for. Opened or unwrapped candy had to be thrown out and our loot always had to be checked by an adult before we could begin our overindulgence. 

Last year, we gained a new addition to our coven. And now that she is more aware of her own existence than she was last year, I am SO excited to experience this holiday through her eyes. She has already perfected her "boo!" game. And she practices her shrill scream every chance she gets. What a pro. 

Also, I cannot wait to share my costume details with you guys. I REALLY wanted to be Hillary this year but I've decided to go in a different direction. I'll spill the beans soon! What are your favorite Halloween memories? Did anyone actually get a razor blade in their candy? I'm thinking this was a tactic used by our parents to steal more candy. Also, check out this Halloween contract you should 110% make your kids sign. 

Happy Halloween!

The Perfect Present

We've all been there. It's somebody's birthday, anniversary, retirement, etc. and you are drawing a big white blank on what to get them. And then you wait until the last minute, panic, and buy them a huge container of various flavored popcorn. I'm not saying I won't eat the popcorn, but c'mon!

I'm pretty picky when it comes to food, boys, life, etc. giving gifts. I don't like buying gift cards or something random that the receiver might like. I want it to be personal and I get a real good kick out of making someone cry. Mom at Christmas? Get her every time.

I can't be the only one here. There's nothing worse than giving the gift of an emotionless scarf. Dig deep people! Find out what makes them tick! What do they love? What inside jokes do you share? What's their favorite color? If you can't think of anything, you shouldn't be giving a gift in the first place. Save your money. Or give it to me. I'm always taking donations.

So (I can't believe I'm saying this) in light of the holidays coming up *cringe*, I thought I'd do a blog post on what I got my friend/boss for her birthday. She's Irish. So that was easy. Alcohol, obviously. And green. At a work lunch recently, I remembered that she had been talking about Moscow Mules. It was almost too easy.

Moscow Mule Mug, Copper Wire Storage Basket

So I made a cute little Moscow Mule gift basket. I purchased the mugs and basket from C&B/CB2, and used some tissue/wrapping paper to elevate some of the items for display. Then I purchased some cute mini vodka bottles and limes to add more green into the basket.

Voila!

It's a practical gift because she can reuse the mugs and keep the basket for her own storage and it's still fun because who doesn't like alcohol?

What are your gift go-tos? Anyone have that popcorn still sitting in the deep, dark, depths of their kitchen cupboard from 4 years ago?

P.S. my favorite blogger (Little Baby Garvin) posts Friday Favorites and I decided to follow suit. Every Friday I'll post some of my favorite things, whether it's clothes, recipes, furniture, boys, etc. Looking forward to finally having something to show for the hours I spend shopping online!

P.P.S. thank you to everyone who has shown me blog love! Your kind words mean the world to me and without them I probably would have stopped writing! Love you all!