Your GIF Guide to Sexual Consent

Many of you have read the breaking news headlines on sexual assault claims involving celebrities these past few months. They don't seem to be slowing down anytime soon. As a society, this has forced us to have a lot of difficult conversations - with others and with ourselves.

What is sexual assault? Is it black and white or are there gray areas? What constitutes a sex crime and what constitutes "bad behavior?" Am I guilty of assault? Have I been assaulted? I'm so glad you asked. Hello everyone, welcome to Sexual Consent. My name’s Melissa and I’ll be your tour guide.

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So you’ve got a date tonight? First time meeting? Been married for 30 years? Doesn’t matter. Here at Sexual Consent, everyone lives by the same standards.

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You'll notice here that a lot of dates will include the consumption of alcohol. Remember, just because your date has had a drink with you, that does not mean they want to have sex with you. A drink is not currency to be used in exchange for sex.

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If the date gets moved to a private venue, congratulations - you might be having sex tonight.

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OR perhaps your date just wants to continue spending time with you and doesn't mind doing so in a more secluded setting. Sounds like they are interested in getting to know you. Very exciting stuff! Friendly reminder folks, someone can go home with you and not want to have sex with you.

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The mood is right. The candles are lit. And Damien Rice is crooning on the Beats speaker your mom got you for Christmas. A makeout session reminiscent of prom night ensues.

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So you want to get a little more serious? Folks, we've just reached our first major intersection in Sexual Consent. Before proceeding any further, please stop to look both ways. You can simply ask your date, "Is this okay? Are you comfortable?" The good news is that this isn't hard to do and it's not awkward. In fact, it's a romantic gesture which showcases your ability to be aware of your partner's thoughts and feelings and not just the blood rushing to your nether regions.

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These questions should be repeated throughout the evening, specifically before any sexual act. This is a nice thing to do because you don't want to make your partner feel uncomfortable or that they don't have the opportunity to tell you that they don't want to take it any further. Yikes!

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Suppose your date would like to take things slow. This could mean a variety of things. Slow could mean that they are only interested in kissing. Slow could mean they are only interested in heavy petting. Slow could mean they are only interested in oral sex. Slow could mean they are only interested in receiving oral sex. Slow could mean they are interested in sex just not right now. I know. The possibilities are endless. But that's because humans are complex creatures and are capable of having different and sometimes conflicting thoughts.

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If your date has not given their consent - whether that be verbally or through non-verbal cues (pulling away, turning their head, trying to run out the door, etc.) - then this is the point in the evening where you stop making advances.

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If your date has enthusiastically given their consent, buckle up friends, this is where the adult fun begins. Next stop, Pleasure Town. Unfortunately, I cannot be your tour guide for that destination because my mom reads my blog and she doesn't need to know the extent of my knowledge in this area.

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Thank you for visiting. And remember, sexual assault doesn't have to be gray if you get consent. This is a great way to avoid being added to shitty men lists, having your name dragged through the media, losing your career, going to jail, etc.

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2017: Year in Review

In 2015 and 2016, I wrote short and sweet recaps on the previous 365 days. What I did, where I went, who I met. But I’m finding it difficult to summarize this past year in a quick post.

It seems that each year, I surprise myself by discovering that I’m still learning and still growing. I realize how cliché that sounds so let me explain. I’m one year from 30 and I always thought that number was somehow magical, that it was synonymous with "knowledgeable" and "wise." It’s not. I’m still figuring out who I am and what I’m doing.

The year 2017 has taught me that grief is real. It’s painful and it’s long. Pushing past the grief isn’t easy either, but it’s the only path to relief. It has taught me that relationships don’t have to last forever to be meaningful. They can repair you or they can break you so you learn how to repair yourself. This last year has taught me that being nice includes being nice to yourself. And it doesn’t have to mean giving undeserving people second chances. The year 2017 has taught me that I haven’t quite figured this out yet and that’s okay.

Here’s to 2018 and the inevitable lessons that lie ahead. Until next year, here are some of 2017's most-read posts:

• What Nobody Told Me About Being a Rape Victim
• A Dirty Martini And A Meltdown
• Promise Me
• NYC: Six Month Review
• NYC: One Year Review
• I Know

The Best Thing About the Worst Thing You've Ever Done

Recently, I did a really, really, REALLY stupid thing. I ignored my gut. I refused to listen to sage advice. And I only listened to those who were telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. I told myself it would be fine. I'd be fine. It would even be fun. I went against something so intrinsic to my character that it literally gave me anxiety every time I thought about it. Which was a lot. I did something stupid. And then it came back to bite me in the ass. I don't want to contradict Miss Swift, but I did something bad and, you guys, it did not feel good.

I'm not going to get into details but for all my family members out there, don't worry, I didn't break the law. This time.

Let me be clear. This isn't the first time I've done something dumb. I mean, I literally moved to New York City on a whim. That one didn't turn out so bad though. Honestly, I'm surprised I graduated college and have maintained a stable career. Anyways - the point is, I've done a lot of really dumb shit in my 28 years. I'm sure I haven't even seen the worst of it yet. But every time I've f***ed up, I've cried it out and walked it off. 

I know a lot of people try to make their lives seem perfect on social media. But that's a curated life full of carefully planned moments. That's not real. A real life is messy. It's getting your heart broken. Living paycheck to paycheck. It's getting fired. It's losing your shit on your kid and it's using boxed hair dye. Being an adult is hard. These stupid decisions we make are a part of learning and growing up. 

The best thing about the worst thing you've ever done is that you learned from it. And hopefully you never do it again. Try new things. Make mistakes. Fall on your ass. But get back up again. Try a different path. Just keep trying. It's when you stop trying that you start failing. 

Someone should seriously make a post card out of that because that was some Gandhi shit. 

What Nobody Told Me About Being a Rape Victim

There is a very real possibility that you will see your rapist in public. 

Or, in my case, on a dating app. It's going to take your breath away and then you will go lock yourself in the bathroom for 45 minutes due to your immediate need to throw up and shit your brains out at the same time.

You're probably not okay

No matter how many times you say it and no matter how many times you actually really do feel okay. One minute you'll be all "the past is the past" and "I'm totally fine, I don't need therapy" *flips hair off shoulder* and then some fucking moron will post something on social media blaming victims and you'll totally lose your shit on them and promptly ask to go home early because you can't stop shaking and crying.

Some things will trigger you and some won't.

You might be able to watch a rape scene in a movie while continuing to shovel handfuls of popcorn into your mouth but then read about a massive sexual harassment scandal in the news and be unable to focus the rest of the day. *shrugs*  It doesn't make sense to me either.

People will constantly apologize for making references to rape.

There is a difference between making a reference and making a joke. Rape jokes aren't funny and reveal a lot about someone's character. If you're saying you took an Uber home from the bar because you didn't want to get raped on your walk home, that doesn't tell me you're a jackass that tells me you've got street smarts. Maybe try Uber Pool though and save a couple bucks?

Some people won't want to date you because you have been raped. 

FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. There is nothing wrong with you and the fact that you are still alive and willing to date in the first place is a testament to your resilience and strength. They should be so lucky to date you.

You might feel guilty about wanting to have sex. 

Wanting to have sex again after you've been raped doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or that you deserved to be raped or that you weren't raped in the first place. You're a human being with very natural desires. Orgasms are great (sorry, mom!). And have you heard the news? Females can achieve multiple o's! 

Assholes will react like assholes to your rape story. 

"Did you get an STD test?" and "I don't have the stomach for that" are just some of the gems I've heard. Dude - Fuck. You. Hey, if anyone was wondering about a foolproof way of responding to hearing someone's rape story, here it is. Ready? 1) Look concerned. 2) Say you're sorry (it doesn't matter that you didn't rape me, it's just a nice thing to say). 3) Try not to tell me about someone else's rape story you heard (this is about me right now, not you). 4) And thank me for trusting you with this information. 

On a very serious note, I want to put out the reminder that there isn't a textbook on how to survive a sexual assault. There is only one rule: don't harm yourself. If you're a survivor, I hope you know that you are brave and strong for not only enduring your assault, but for continuing day after day while dealing with this shit. This isn't a club I'd ever want to be a part of but now that I'm here I gotta say, we're a bunch of bad asses and I'm pretty proud of that. 

A Dirty Martini and a Meltdown

A couple of weeks ago I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. Just kidding, if you were one of the unfortunate souls that saw/heard from me that day you know it was actually a complete shitstorm. To summarize, I was having a horrible day/week and then I opened a 33oz bottle of sparkling water (necessary detail: mandarin orange flavored) which exploded all over me and my office literally one minute before I was supposed to be in a meeting. In a soaking wet silk blouse that was clinging to my body (that wasn’t supposed to sound sexual but I’m going to roll with it), I walked very calmly to the bathroom where I proceeded to lock myself in a stall and totally lose my fucking shit.

You guys, I was a wreck. This breakdown was essentially the culmination of multiple stressful situations occurring simultaneously in which I had absolutely no control. So naturally, after work I went to a bar that makes the best dirty martini in NYC, conveniently located two blocks from my apartment. It helped. 

As I was sipping on my dinner, I was thinking about all of the problems swirling around in my head and feeling sorry for myself. As one does. Don’t get me wrong, about 90% of these problems were legitimate problems. I wasn’t overreacting. But I have enough self-awareness to recognize that I am extremely lucky to be where I am in life. After all, I’m alive.

There’s been a lot of super shitty shit (that B.S. in Creative Writing coming through for me once again) going on in the world lately. Between natural disasters, (preventable) mass shootings, and our Oompa Loompa of a President leading us into a Third World War via Twitter, emotions are high.

You might be feeling the impacts of some or all of these situations. No doubt you have your own shit to deal with. Maybe your cancer came back. You had a miscarriage. Your spouse cheated on you. Your mother died. You lost your job. You lost your house. Maybe you lost everything. Whatever it is - big or small - whatever your own 33oz bottle of mandarin orange-flavored sparkling water is, please don’t give up.

I know the pain is real. It's fast and it isn't fleeting. I know what it’s like to feel everything all at once and to wish the pain would just stop. Today is hard. It's hell. I can't promise you that tomorrow will be better. Or even the next day. What I can promise you is that you can survive it. And I can promise you that there are people who are counting on seeing you tomorrow. There are people who want to help you ease this pain. They want to see you get better.

This is your reminder that it’s okay to feel pain and vulnerability. And it’s also okay to talk to someone about it.