I Know

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about sexual assault which may be triggering to survivors.

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It's just a dress. A short, blue dress with crochet details on the back straps. I've worn it maybe three times my entire life. It's hanging in the far left corner of my closet with dresses I've convinced myself I will eventually fit into again. The fact that I haven't thrown it out amazes even me. Every single time I see it I think about him. It doesn't send me into a tailspin. But it gives me pause and I instantly think of a summer night in 2015. Back when I thought rape was something that happened to other people, not to me.

It's not my intention to beat everyone over the head with my story. Most of you will skim this and click the back button in your browser to continue doing whatever it is you were doing on Facebook. Something less depressing. Something that doesn't make you think so much. This post isn't meant for you.

This post is for the woman who can't look at her naked body without feeling ashamed. This is for the girl who hears a certain song play on the radio and has to turn the station. It's for the female college student who smells his cologne while walking to class and immediately runs to the bathroom for safety.

I see you. I know that you are terrified of your truth. I know that your mind won't stop buzzing with questioning and self doubt. I know how much it hurts to remember. I get how one day you want to scream the truth and the next you bury it as far down inside of you as possible. I know. I know.

Today might not be the day you are ready to say it out loud. I still struggle with that. But I hope today is the day you realize that you are not alone. I'm here. I know.

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April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. If you need confidential advice or just someone to talk to, please reach out to me or to someone at RAINN.