Getting What You Deserve

One thing (probably the only thing) that's been consistent on my blog is honesty. I've always been transparent about how messy my life is and have avoided sugarcoating it. I think it's important to remember that the internet is full of filters and edits and everyone is hiding the ugly. I won't be sharing the following on social media because it doesn't seem appropriate but this is in many ways my online journal, so my thoughts live here. 

I've had to work very hard to prove to myself that despite my life experiences, I deserve a relationship that is healthy and reciprocal. And then all of the sudden, along came someone who gave me exactly that. For the first time, probably ever, I could see myself sharing my life with someone. I could see myself with a partner who encouraged me and challenged me and deliberately calmed any fears or stresses that I couldn't deal with on my own. I felt wholly understood and appreciated. And then, for one reason or another, it ended. 

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the last two months licking my wounds. I've gone through countless boxes of tissue, lost sleep, missed work, drank too much wine, and woke up most mornings with a puffy face that would give Quasimodo a run for his money (highly recommend eye mask ice packs). 

I'm still hurting. I thought I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I was busy making plans in my head for our future. Literally, had our wedding hashtag picked out (this is very embarrassing and will likely be deleted at a later date but for now I'm being honest). I don't think this pain is going to go away anytime soon. It seems very intent on staying and just when I think I'm doing okay, it proves me wrong. 

I'd love to keep things positive and say "but I learned so much." It's true. I did learn a lot. But that doesn't mean I don't deserve to grieve the loss of something - of someone - I loved more than myself. I am not ashamed to show my feelings. To him or to anyone else. 

The ending surprised me. And again I am learning what I deserve. I don't want to learn this way. No one does. But my goodness, I loved like I've never loved before and how great is it that I was able to experience something like that?