Good Grief

If I've learned one thing as an adult it's that really shitty things can happen to people who don't deserve it. Cancer. Divorce. Rape. I've known too many people whose routine lives have betrayed them. They lifted their head off of their pillow one morning and laid it back down that very night a completely different person. It can happen in an instant and we're never prepared for it. We're never prepared for our lives to come to a grinding halt and make us question everything around us.

When that happens - when life gives you whiplash - I want you to remember something.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking about it. And talking about it. And thinking and talking about it again. And again. And again. There's nothing wrong with crying in the shower at the end of a really shitty day, letting the tears go down the drain. Moving on doesn't mean pretending it never happened. It doesn't mean never letting it impact you.

The truth is, it's now a part of you. It's something you have to live with. Maybe it's still an open wound. Maybe it's now a scar. Eventually you're going to go all day without thinking about it. But then you'll come home, shed the clothes, shed the makeup and there it is underneath it all -  a permanent reminder of the pain you once felt. The pain you're still feeling now. I want you to know that it's okay to feel that pain.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you've worn out that conversation. That you should be "over it" by now. Or that it's no longer relevant. Don't let anyone tell you that what you went through isn't significant. That you aren't allowed to hurt. You are owed that. You deserve that. You deserve to grieve.

Lounge Love

If you've been following me for even a month, you probably know by now that I have a serious obsession with all things Crate & Barrel. I fell in love with one of their sofas a year and a half ago and knew back then that I had to have it. After working at Crate for six months to be able to afford it, I was finally able to purchase the Lounge II back in November. And then I had to wait three long months for this gorgeous lady to be made and delivered to me. You guys. This is the most expensive thing I've ever purchased but it was 100% worth every penny. I was totally composed literally jumping up and down when they were walking it through my door. 

In the market for a new sofa? I can definitely recommend the Lounge II. Most of my friends fall into the single and desperately alone category or the married with a litter of children category. I'm telling you, this will work for either. 

Forty. Eight. Inches. Deep. In case you can't do the math, that's four feet. AKA, 75% of my body. This is like a Yao Ming sized sofa. 

I live in a studio apartment so it was important to me that I purchase a sofa that can pull double-duty as a guest bed. I think that was accomplished. It was also important to me that I have clean lines. I have an aversion to slip-covered sofas for this very reason. This sofa struck the perfect balance between being able to sink into it without looking too casual. 

I had a hard time letting go of the woven fabric that came stock. In the end, I knew that because my cat is an asshole the fabric would inevitably pull and snag. I'm also a 12 year old living in a 26 year old's body so the high-performance fabric (think velvet, not microfiber) was just a more realistic option for me. That being said, I haven't yet felt confident enough to sip red wine on this thing without first laying down a tarp towel. 

So far, no complaints other than the fact that I have a job and can't lounge on this thing 24/7.

If you have any questions that I didn't answer here, let me know. Happy sofa hunting!

MIA

It's been a while. Like way too long. Here's the thing...

I've talked about my battle with anxiety and depression before (if you want a recap, read about it here). I don't think it's something you can be magically cured from. For me anyways, I think this will be something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not walking around in a cloud of depression and anxiety 24/7. In fact, for the last 4-5 years, I have been feeling like my "normal" self. But there are times when I start to spiral and it always catches me off guard. It's like I forgot how disabling it can be. And then I quickly remember. Eff. 

I manage my anxiety very well without medication (*brushes shoulder off*). At night, I take hot baths to calm myself down and reset my head. I work through it during the day - sometimes the adrenaline from an anxiety attack is like a shot of espresso and I find myself whooping ass and taking names. This is what my days are like on average. But sometimes during extremely stressful times (aka the last 4 weeks of my life), it has the complete opposite effect. It's debilitating. I can't think. I literally can't move. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. And all of the sudden everything is wrong and I cannot see past the obstacle immediately in front of me.

Most of you won't understand this and I've learned to accept it. I can't tell you how many time I've received the sage advice, "just don't think about it." Oookkkaayyyy.... It doesn't work like that. It's not something I can shut off. Can you turn off your diabetes? Didn't think so. It's an illness that requires management, maintenance, and sometimes medication (didn't even plan that alliteration but you're welcome (I wanted so badly to throw in "meditation")).

Okay, I'm done harping. But I wanted to give an explanation for why I've been absent. To be honest, you're probably going to hear crickets from me for the next 4 weeks. But I'll be back. Promise :)

In the mean time, please watch this video as it will never not be funny.

Dear Raleigh

I know you just got here, but there are a few things I think you should know before you're carried out those hospital doors.

Your mom is going to be your best friend. There will be times in your life when you won't get along with her. You might even say "I hate you" after she strictly enforces your curfew. Your personalities might clash and you will more than likely disagree on just about everything. But I promise you, there will come a day when you realize you can tell her absolutely everything with no judgement. You will realize that she loves you so fiercely, others can't even fathom it.

Learn to love your body. Regardless of how you grow into it, I want you to know that it is perfect. It is a work of art. It is composed of trillions and trillions of cells that are working together to allow you to breathe and walk and see. I want you to look in the mirror every day and know that you are enough. I mourn the day someone makes you feel like you're not. Be in love with every inch of your body. Take care of it. Cherish it. And please don't try to look like anyone else. Your curves and scars and bony flesh are what make you so beautiful.

Be careful of who you give your heart to. Falling in love is one of the best things this life has to offer. But whoever this person is, man or woman, they should be in awe of who you are. They should respect you. Your ideas. Your body. Your emotions. They should care for you as if you are an extension of themselves. The second they are giving you anything less, walk away. Don't waste this beautiful gift of love on them.

Girls can be mean. This doesn't end after elementary school. Or middle school. Or high school. Or college. It doesn't end when you become an "adult." There are mean girls everywhere. Pick your friends wisely. Choose the ones that make you feel good about who you are. Choose the ones that pick your side, no matter what. And you might only have one. I promise you, this person will be your soul mate. Your confidante. They will help you pick up the broken pieces of yourself when you are shattered. They will rejoice with you when you are invincible. Don't let this person go.

I love you little Raleigh. I haven't even met you yet and my heart is already swelling with pride and love for who you are and who you are going to be.

Sending all of my love to my best friend and her fiance who just welcomed their first child into this world. Xoxo.

Blizzard 2016

You guys. It's day four of being stuck inside my apartment due to this blizzard. I've run out of Prosecco. I ate an entire pan of brownies. I feel like I can finally relate to Tom Hanks now (Wilsssooonnnn!). I've started talking to my cat. Like I've actually started to ask him questions. I've watched all four seasons of New Girl on Netflix (omg, Schmidt and CeCe!). I've lost the will to live. I think I'm actually looking forward to going into work tomorrow. What is happeninggggg?!

Anyways, if you're still stuck inside, I recommend the following based off of my own experiences:

• Watch the entire Harry Potter series from beginning to end (drink anytime someone says Harry's full name)
• Organize closets and drawers (drink anytime you throw something away)
• Bumble and Tinder (drink anytime you match with someone)
• Watch people get stuck in the snow outside (drink anytime it's with a 4 wheel drive vehicle)
• Workout (rehydrate with alcohol)
• Catch up on laundry (drink every time you find a sock's mate)

As you can see, I've basically been drunk since 10am on Friday. I actually did venture outside once to go to a yoga class and found myself up to my thighs in snow trying to cross the road. I'm not leaving again until it's absolutely necessary (aka I run out of whiskey or my office opens back up). 

I have some fun things to tell you guys about in the next couple of weeks so make sure you check back soon! Stay warm friends!