MIA

It's been a while. Like way too long. Here's the thing...

I've talked about my battle with anxiety and depression before (if you want a recap, read about it here). I don't think it's something you can be magically cured from. For me anyways, I think this will be something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not walking around in a cloud of depression and anxiety 24/7. In fact, for the last 4-5 years, I have been feeling like my "normal" self. But there are times when I start to spiral and it always catches me off guard. It's like I forgot how disabling it can be. And then I quickly remember. Eff. 

I manage my anxiety very well without medication (*brushes shoulder off*). At night, I take hot baths to calm myself down and reset my head. I work through it during the day - sometimes the adrenaline from an anxiety attack is like a shot of espresso and I find myself whooping ass and taking names. This is what my days are like on average. But sometimes during extremely stressful times (aka the last 4 weeks of my life), it has the complete opposite effect. It's debilitating. I can't think. I literally can't move. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. And all of the sudden everything is wrong and I cannot see past the obstacle immediately in front of me.

Most of you won't understand this and I've learned to accept it. I can't tell you how many time I've received the sage advice, "just don't think about it." Oookkkaayyyy.... It doesn't work like that. It's not something I can shut off. Can you turn off your diabetes? Didn't think so. It's an illness that requires management, maintenance, and sometimes medication (didn't even plan that alliteration but you're welcome (I wanted so badly to throw in "meditation")).

Okay, I'm done harping. But I wanted to give an explanation for why I've been absent. To be honest, you're probably going to hear crickets from me for the next 4 weeks. But I'll be back. Promise :)

In the mean time, please watch this video as it will never not be funny.

Dear Raleigh

I know you just got here, but there are a few things I think you should know before you're carried out those hospital doors.

Your mom is going to be your best friend. There will be times in your life when you won't get along with her. You might even say "I hate you" after she strictly enforces your curfew. Your personalities might clash and you will more than likely disagree on just about everything. But I promise you, there will come a day when you realize you can tell her absolutely everything with no judgement. You will realize that she loves you so fiercely, others can't even fathom it.

Learn to love your body. Regardless of how you grow into it, I want you to know that it is perfect. It is a work of art. It is composed of trillions and trillions of cells that are working together to allow you to breathe and walk and see. I want you to look in the mirror every day and know that you are enough. I mourn the day someone makes you feel like you're not. Be in love with every inch of your body. Take care of it. Cherish it. And please don't try to look like anyone else. Your curves and scars and bony flesh are what make you so beautiful.

Be careful of who you give your heart to. Falling in love is one of the best things this life has to offer. But whoever this person is, man or woman, they should be in awe of who you are. They should respect you. Your ideas. Your body. Your emotions. They should care for you as if you are an extension of themselves. The second they are giving you anything less, walk away. Don't waste this beautiful gift of love on them.

Girls can be mean. This doesn't end after elementary school. Or middle school. Or high school. Or college. It doesn't end when you become an "adult." There are mean girls everywhere. Pick your friends wisely. Choose the ones that make you feel good about who you are. Choose the ones that pick your side, no matter what. And you might only have one. I promise you, this person will be your soul mate. Your confidante. They will help you pick up the broken pieces of yourself when you are shattered. They will rejoice with you when you are invincible. Don't let this person go.

I love you little Raleigh. I haven't even met you yet and my heart is already swelling with pride and love for who you are and who you are going to be.

Sending all of my love to my best friend and her fiance who just welcomed their first child into this world. Xoxo.

Blizzard 2016

You guys. It's day four of being stuck inside my apartment due to this blizzard. I've run out of Prosecco. I ate an entire pan of brownies. I feel like I can finally relate to Tom Hanks now (Wilsssooonnnn!). I've started talking to my cat. Like I've actually started to ask him questions. I've watched all four seasons of New Girl on Netflix (omg, Schmidt and CeCe!). I've lost the will to live. I think I'm actually looking forward to going into work tomorrow. What is happeninggggg?!

Anyways, if you're still stuck inside, I recommend the following based off of my own experiences:

• Watch the entire Harry Potter series from beginning to end (drink anytime someone says Harry's full name)
• Organize closets and drawers (drink anytime you throw something away)
• Bumble and Tinder (drink anytime you match with someone)
• Watch people get stuck in the snow outside (drink anytime it's with a 4 wheel drive vehicle)
• Workout (rehydrate with alcohol)
• Catch up on laundry (drink every time you find a sock's mate)

As you can see, I've basically been drunk since 10am on Friday. I actually did venture outside once to go to a yoga class and found myself up to my thighs in snow trying to cross the road. I'm not leaving again until it's absolutely necessary (aka I run out of whiskey or my office opens back up). 

I have some fun things to tell you guys about in the next couple of weeks so make sure you check back soon! Stay warm friends!

Not a Friday Favorite

I 100% don't feel like writing a Friday Favorites post today. I had the graphic all set up to go but I just wasn't feeling it. First off, it's a long weekend so basically the only thing on my mind right now is getting as far away from my place of employment as possible, having wine for dinner and sleeping in until noon. Also, my Friday Favorites posts are notoriously my least viewed posts. I'm telling myself it's because people have better things to do on a Friday and not because of the content. Just roll with it. 

So here's a Friday post that has nothing to do with my favorite anythings.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last year. And I'm not just saying that to say that. I've had a lot happen in my life the last 365 days. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. I had to deal with some things I never thought I'd have to deal with. And some of those things I'm still dealing with. But I also had a lot of pretty great things happen to me too. 

Anyways, the number one thing I've learned about myself this past year is that I get bored easily. Which I guess could be a bad thing but it's also pretty awesome. I love to learn new things. I really could go to school the rest of my life if it meant I could study whatever interested me. And I have a lot of interests. Art. History. Yoga. Travel. Literature. I could go on and on and on and never be satisfied. And I don't have the passport stamps to prove it, but I'd love to just get on a plane and go live somewhere different for a year. I want to feel, see and taste different things. Live the way other people do for a change. 

A lot of my friends are married with kids right now. And as much as I hate to admit it, it sometimes bothers me that I'm not at that point in my life yet. More often than not though, I'm so glad I'm not there. I'm much too selfish to give up my own freedom right now. And I'm 100% okay with that. There is way too much to do and way too much to see. I'm not ready to sacrifice that.

So there you go. A Friday post that has nothing to do with favorites. It really has nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to share what has been on my mind these last few days. Also, I apologize that this post was a bit more sappy and a lot less vulgar than usual. 

Happy Friday, loves. Spend your long weekend wisely!

Thoughts I Have While Running

I've been having fun with these "stream of consciousness" posts I've been doing lately. I thought I'd do one on running because I know I can't be the only one here! Currently on week 3 of my half marathon training plan...

Okay. It's only 6 miles. Sixty minutes. That's like only 17 songs on Bieber's new album. I can run for 17 songs. I wonder what I look like running. This wedgie is seriously cutting off the circulation to my left ass cheek. Oh my god I need that puppy in my life. How has it only been .5 miles? Ohhh, love this song. Seriously, I wonder if I look like Phoebe running. Slow song. Skip. Tourists, I will run into you if you don't share the effing sidewalk. LEFT! How do people talk and run? I can barely think and run. PUPPY! If I slow down maybe I can hit that red light and catch my breath. Oh, he's cute. Heyyyy. Why are my calves on fire? Why are my quads on fire? Shin splints. Forgot about those. What a bitch. I could really go for a Mickey D's fry right about now. What should I make for dinner? I hate running. Hate. Hate. Hate. Oh goody, only 5 more miles to go.

I know you feel me. You know those people that say, "once you do it, you'll feel better." I want to punch those people between the eyes. I never feel good after! And on that note, good luck with your work outs today!