My 2016 Summer Reading List

I'm trying to get back into my routine of regularly writing blog posts. My life is starting to slowly come back together and I'm no longer overwhelmed by the idea of committing to post two times a week. Did I mention my ability to handle stress? Ha. Anyways.

There is seriously nothing better than reading a juicy book while you're catching some rays next to a body of water. Alright, this scenario can always be improved by alcohol and cabana boys but I digress. So I wanted to share my shortlist of my summer reading. I say shortlist because there's about 30 books I want to read this summer and even I (a self-described logophile *Google it*) don't want to read a blog post consisting of 30 book reviews/synopeses so I've limited it to five. You're welcome.

Fair warning: I've only read two of these (The Cuckoo's Calling and Luckiest Girl Alive) and thus can only endorse these two with a clear conscience. I've heard only great things about the other three but hold on I'm getting ahead of myself. Ready? K. Here we go.

---

The Cuckoo's Calling - Robert Galbraith (AKA, J.K. Rowling)
AKA, the greatest author of the 21st century. This boss lady's ability to create worlds is on par with God himself. And while this is absolutely nothing like HP, you will still fall in love with her ability to describe her characters with so much detail that you feel like you have known them your whole life. This mystery was obviously a page-turner right up until the ending which caught me completely off-guard. I hate when I can figure out an ending before the author leads me there but Rowling kept me guessing and had me saying "holy shit" out loud when the big reveal was finally made. It was also incredibly refreshing that there was a lack of a love story. Insert clapping emoji here. There's also two other books (and counting) in the series sooo say goodbye to real life while you hibernate with these for the next few weeks.

Luckiest Girl Alive - Jessica Knoll
Holy eff. If you haven't already read this, you need to do it now. No. Seriously. Put down your phone and drive straight to your local library. I absolutely lovedddd the main character in this novel. Why? Because she was real. She was a bitch. She made mistakes. She hurt people. I'm over the damsel in distress bullshit. Ani saves herself. If I haven't already convinced you, read her article in Lenny Letter about her experience with sexual assault and how it influenced her novel. Excuse me while I silently sob at my desk and simultaneously scream 'GIRL POWER!'.

The Girls - Emma Cline
Charles Manson? Say no more. I'm hooked. Emma Cline sold her novel to Random House after 11 other publishers participated in a bidding war over publishing rights. So that tells me that this is going to be cray. This fictional piece about the girls in Charles Manson's intimate circle is a coming-of-age tale that's creating some serious buzz in the publishing world and it's next on my "to read" list.

SweetBitter - Stephanie Danler
I first heard about this novel from my idol, Miss America 2013 Mallory Hagan who slays in basically everything she does and says. If she's endorsing it, I'm in. Synopsis: Young girl moves to New York to "be somebody" and we get to watch as she either makes or breaks it.

The Assistants - Camille Perri
A group of assistants quit playing by the rules and start embezzling money to finally get ahead.  This looks incredibly entertaining. Ethics is for the birds.

---

This is in no way my complete list. I'm also throwing in some nonfiction like A Vast Conspiracy, a history of the events leading up to the impeachment of President Bill Clinton. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a sex scandal. Also, #HillzforPrez

Let me know if you are planning to read any of these. I'd also love to hear what you have on your list. Find me on Goodreads and let's be friends :)

Easy...Like Riding a Bike

You know those people who are just naturally good at whatever they do? The ones that are really good at a sport they've never even tried? Or can solve math problems that make your head hurt?

I am not one of those people.

I'm good at: writing (obviiiii), making people laugh, and watching TV. This is the extent of my natural ability. That's a lie. I'm also good at procrastinating, complaining, and eating. I digress.....

I am not good at a lot of things. I cannot handle stress. I have horrible balance. I'm short. I'm highly uncoordinated. Do you see where this is going? Riding a bike is not easy.

So because Metro is undergoing some serious maintenance for the next year (because they are a completely incompetent and corrupt transit system but that's a blog post for another day) I have resorted to biking into work. It's only 4 miles. "It's not that bad," I said. "It'll be fun," I said.

Today was day one.

First off, I borrowed this bike from my sister who is like 5 inches taller than me. Wait, let's go back - do bikes even come in sizes? Can I get a petite? I need a petite over here. Anyways, my feet don't touch the ground. I can barely stand on my tip toes on this thing and that's only if I lean the bike to one side.

It's also a Huffy. Okay, it's not actually a Huffy. I think the brand is Avalanche or something. Which may or may not be worse than Huffy because at least I've heard of Huffy. Regardless, this isn't a road bike for commuting. It's a huge piece of metal that will probably one day be my death trap. Honestly, I'm surprised I can stay upright. Which I actually can't. 

I fell over like 4 times today and every single time I was surrounded by people. Once was on M St. in the middle of Georgetown. If you don't know what that means, go to your nearest outdoor mall and imagine it being filled with rush hour traffic. Then fall over on a bike.

Getting to work was easy as far as actual physical exertion is concerned. It was basically all downhill. Getting home was almost impossible. There's a 260 ft elevation within the distance of one mile. Uhmm...how do you even bike up that without falling backwards? My thighs are still burning. And I could cry thinking about having to do it again.

How I managed to not get hit by a bus or a taxi or someone else on a bike I will never know. But I'm sure that day will soon be upon me.

Because this will be my main transportation for the next year.

All I can say is I better be in the best shape of my life when this is all over.

One

It's been one year.

I found him on Facebook the other day. I'm not sure what I was looking for. Would he have changed his profile picture to show him wearing a red 'R' on his chest? No, he's smiling at the camera while taking a selfie. Would he have typed some public, vague apology in a status update? No, he's posting about transgender bathroom rights.

And it's like I have to fight all over again. I fight him. I fight myself. I fight everyone else's thoughts about the situation and opinions about me. All at the same time.

* Did it really happen? * Did I imagine it? * I said no, right? * Maybe it was just an accident * Maybe I'm overreacting * It wasn't that bad * He didn't really hurt me * He must have had too much to drink * I guess I was dressed kind of provocative that night * I'm alive, aren't I? * He can't be a monster, he's in the Secret Service * I shouldn't have had that much to drink * Why didn't I have more to eat? * I should have drank more water * I shouldn't have gotten in his car * I shouldn't have gone in his apartment * What did I think was going to happen? * He did apologize the next day * 

It's amazing what your mind will do to you. And keep doing to you. Even after a year.

Last month, a woman was raped at knife point at 10am on a Tuesday while riding Metro - Washington, DC's public transit system - the same system I use almost every day. While I was checking emails, getting coffee, and probably bitching about work - she was below our feet being forced to pull down her pants as a man tried to penetrate her.

And I thought, I'm glad that wasn't me. But then I remembered.

You don't think it's going to happen to you. It's something that happens to people who aren't careful. Or maybe "they asked for it" (Just so you know - by definition, you can't ask for rape). You think it's something you see on the news. Or it happened to a roommate's friend in college. But never you. Yeah, I thought that too.

It's been one year.

And I can tell you that now more than ever I have a voice. I'm angry. I'm angry that this happened to me. And I'm angry that this continues to happen to millions of girls all over the world every day. And no one is saying anything about it. Because it wasn't them. It wasn't their daughter. Or mother. Or sister.

It might not be you today, but it might be you tomorrow. Please start saying something.

Online Dating Tips for Bros

I know, I've done it before. I've bitched about dating as an adult. And in an attempt to be a more positive person, I've prepared a quick "go-to guide" for you fellas to consult while constructing your online dating profile. Because sweet Jesus, I might be getting carpal tunnel from swiping left all day. I've outlined instances that constitute an immediate swipe left or swipe right based on my own experiences. Ladies, feel free to submit additions to either lists in the comments. Also: men, please stop using the opening line, "Hey." A head nod doesn't do it for me anymore because I'm not 15 years old. 

Automatic Swipe Left:

• Pics of you vaping in a button down shirt buttoned all. the. way. down.
• Pics of you vaping
• Group pics and only group pics. Where the fuck is Waldo?
• Wardrobes consisting of Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc.
• Claiming to be 32 but looking 52.
• Claiming to be 32 but looking 12.
• Bathroom pics. How embarrassing.
• "Entrepreneur" as your occupation. AKA, unemployed.
• Any affiliation with the RNC/GOP. #HillaryforPresident
• Daywalker. I'm half ginge, I can't take any chances.
• Your bio lists all of the places you traveled. "OMG, you climbed Machu Picchu? Tell me more."
• Pics of you shooting a gun
• Talking about working on The Hill

Automatic Swipe Right:

• Pics of your puppy
• Pics of you and your puppy
• Pics of your puppy sleeping 
• Pics of your puppy with a baby 
• Pics of your puppy sleeping with a baby *Oh my ovaries*
• Quoting Step Brothers
• Quoting Happy Gilmore
• Quoting Home Alone

Me Too

I originally planned on simply typing out a quick Facebook status to thank everyone for the incredible support you showed me regarding my last post. But then I got a private message. And then another. And another. And I couldn't simply slap a thank you up on social media. I had to talk about it. Because not a lot of people are.

"Me too. That happened to me too."

My heart aches for all of you. I hate that someone took something so precious from you. I hate that now you have to wonder when to tell a guy. When is too soon? When is too late? I hate that you're afraid to tell your truth because you worry he'll be afraid to touch you. I hate that you're afraid for him to touch you.

"My mind was racing back through the years thinking of different situations...the way you so blatantly put some of that had me wondering if I could have been guilty of anything like that."

Please know that it's not enough to teach your daughters to be careful. It's not enough to tell them to never leave their drink unattended, always walk in packs, carry pepper spray. It's not enough because that doesn't prevent rape. Teach your sons to respect women. Teach them that sex is not something you take or beg for. It's something that should be willingly given.

Throughout this experience I've learned quite a bit about the process. I've learned that there are going to be fucking idiots who say the absolute worst thing you could possibly say to a sexual assault victim ("Did you learn your lesson?"). I've learned that there are a lot of these idiots out there. I've learned that not everyone is going to believe you. And I've learned that those people don't deserve to be in your life. I've figured out that you'll be fine for months and then one day something will remind you of him and you'll spend the rest of the night sitting in your shower trying to get clean.

I can't promise you that it will get better. Because the truth is, you've changed. There's no going back. But I can promise you that talking about it is the most liberating thing you can do. For me, it was the only power I had over him. He wasn't holding his hand over my mouth anymore.

I really struggled with whether or not I wanted to go public with this. I realized the risk. I realized that some people wouldn't be able to look at me the same. But if I was able to give comfort to someone or make someone else stop and think about their actions, I'd say it was worth it.

If you need someone to talk to, someone who has been through something similar, I'm here. Because it happened to me too.