Letting Go of Toxic Relationships

You might think it's really easy to write. You might think the words just flow. No pauses. No questions. No edits. Some days I can write and write and write and there are still more words inside of me. But some days the idea of writing is painful. Some days there aren't words in the English language to describe what I'm feeling. And sometimes what I'm feeling is so exhausting that I can't even muster the energy to write about it.

My cursor has been blinking on this post for over a year. Partly because I'm having a hard time finding the words and partly because I'm not positive whatever words I do come up with should be floating around the internet. I don't want to be dramatic. I don't want to be mysterious. I'm not fishing for questions and comments. I really don't even want to publish this post. But I need to get this out.

Recently, I've let go of someone very important to me. It wasn't an easy decision and it's an unnatural goodbye. But the relationship had become so toxic that its poison was seeping into almost every area of my life. I tried repeatedly to remedy the situation. I put aside my feelings for the sake of the relationship. I stifled words that should have been spoken a very long time ago. I tried caring too much and I tried not caring at all. And still...here I am.

Part of growing up is realizing when to walk away from situations that cause you harm. It's even harder to do so when you don't want to walk away. I feel guilty. Selfish. Uncaring. Like a horrible human being. And then I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with prioritizing my own mental health and happiness. This has been the hardest lesson I've had to learn as an adult. Sometimes you have to love from a distance.

If you're struggling in a toxic relationship, I hope you know it's okay to walk away. I know it's not going to be easy. It doesn't matter if it's a sibling, lover or parent. I want you to know that regardless of what kind of love it is, it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't manipulate. You are allowed to preserve your happiness. 

FAQs

So in case I haven't advertised it enough on all of my social media platforms (that was a joke, I literally spam everyone), I'm writing a novel. If you were curious about it, here are some FAQs:

OMG, you're writing a book? 

Let's use the term "writing" loosely. It's been almost a year and I'm less than 10,000 words in. Slow and steady wins the race?

What's it about? 

Hmmm tricky. I don't want to give the whole thing away, but it's inspired by true events with plenty of fiction sprinkled throughout that I won't owe anyone any royalties or apologies.

Isn't it, like, hard writing a book? 

Uhmmm, obvi. People like to romanticize the writing process. It's not easy. It doesn't come naturally. It doesn't pour out of you. Okay, sometimes it does. But most days I struggle to come up with a complete sentence. It's certainly something you have to work at. It's emotionally and mentally draining. Sometimes I feel like I've written a masterpiece and sometimes I feel like I should throw my iPad out the window.

When do you find time to write?

I have plenty of time to write I'm just not disciplined enough to devote all of my free time to this project. For example, I am currently sitting in a coffee shop in Brooklyn. I came here with the intent to work on my novel for a couple of hours and here I am writing a blog post about it instead. And also staring at some chick who is wearing a gold, spaghetti strapped midi dress and rain booties. What?! #welcometonewyork

What inspires you?

Emotion. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Which is why you shouldn't bank on inspiration to write. Which is why writing is so difficult. You have to write even when you are feeling even-keeled.

Do you listen to music when you write or do you need silence?

Even in college I needed to be around other humans to write. I can't be alone or in a quiet space. I feel disconnected. My most ideal setting for writing is a somewhat busy coffee shop with free wifi and good booze. As for the music, I literally listen to "Cancer" by Twenty One Pilots on repeat. Over and over and over and over and over......

Are you trying to get published? 

Yes and no. That's not my end goal. I just want to write. And to be able to say that I finished a novel. That is a huge accomplishment and I would honestly be happy to just be able to put a check mark next to that item. That being said, when I finish this thing I will certainly ship it off to a couple of people with high hopes but I'm not holding my breath and neither should you.

Can I read what you have written so far? 

No.

Wait, why not? 

How do I put this....I would rather stand in front of you naked and let you criticize my physical body than let you read the most personal thing I've ever written in draft form.

I'm also writing a book, do you have any tips? 

Good luck. Ha. Okay, but seriously good luck. It's hard and it sucks and most days you wonder why you think anyone would want to read anything you write. But plenty of published authors felt/feel that same way and look where they are.

I'm sure I'll keep you guys updated about the progress but for the time being, just know that if I'm not writing blog posts it's because I'm trying to write something a little more permanent.

I Know

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about sexual assault which may be triggering to survivors.

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It's just a dress. A short, blue dress with crochet details on the back straps. I've worn it maybe three times my entire life. It's hanging in the far left corner of my closet with dresses I've convinced myself I will eventually fit into again. The fact that I haven't thrown it out amazes even me. Every single time I see it I think about him. It doesn't send me into a tailspin. But it gives me pause and I instantly think of a summer night in 2015. Back when I thought rape was something that happened to other people, not to me.

It's not my intention to beat everyone over the head with my story. Most of you will skim this and click the back button in your browser to continue doing whatever it is you were doing on Facebook. Something less depressing. Something that doesn't make you think so much. This post isn't meant for you.

This post is for the woman who can't look at her naked body without feeling ashamed. This is for the girl who hears a certain song play on the radio and has to turn the station. It's for the female college student who smells his cologne while walking to class and immediately runs to the bathroom for safety.

I see you. I know that you are terrified of your truth. I know that your mind won't stop buzzing with questioning and self doubt. I know how much it hurts to remember. I get how one day you want to scream the truth and the next you bury it as far down inside of you as possible. I know. I know.

Today might not be the day you are ready to say it out loud. I still struggle with that. But I hope today is the day you realize that you are not alone. I'm here. I know.

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April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. If you need confidential advice or just someone to talk to, please reach out to me or to someone at RAINN. 

NYC: Six Month Review

You guys. Has it really been six months since I moved here? Holy. Shit. I know some of you have been wondering how I've been adjusting. That's a lie. My mom is probably the only one who wonders about that and I talk to her like every other day. Anyways, I realized I hadn't posted in a while and thought this would be an interesting distraction for those of you who are at work, trying to find something to do until quittin' time (looking at you, sis....Amanda, while I have your attention - EMPTY THE J.CREW ONLINE SHOPPING CART BEFORE YOUR HUSBAND KILLS YOU).

The Rent: This was my biggest concern when contemplating the move. I thought I was going to be eating canned tuna and saltines in order to afford my rent which is so far from reality - a.) because I don't eat canned tuna and b.) because it's really not that much more than what I was paying in DC. It's also 100% worth the cost considering the amazing views I have when I wake up in the morning. If you follow me on Snapchat you've probably seen the view from my bedroom because I spam everyone at least once a week with a shot of it. Not sorry. 

The Rats: I've not seen a one.

The Subway: Honestly, I never take it. I walk almost everywhere and Uber everywhere else. On the few occasions I've taken the subway, I got where I was going on time and also didn't die. That's a lot more than I can say for DC's system which is currently rotting away along with our new administration. I digress.

The People: Hollywood likes to portray everyone in NYC as an asshole. Let me be clear, the concentration of assholes in this city is much higher than anywhere else. That being said, I still believe in the greater good of the human race and I've met quite a few strangers who have been extremely nice. I've also noticed that a lot of people here say they're going to do something and then don't. Like, don't ever just assume that because someone says they want to hang out this week that you're actually going to hang out. Make backup plans. And backup plans for your backup plans, etc.

The Dates: Keeping my lips sealed :)

The Nightlife: Everything revolves around alcohol. Don't expect to do anything sober. Also, no one told me that I'd need a completely separate wardrobe for weekends. In DC, you can get away with wearing flats, cigarette pants, and a button down to the bar. Here you need heels, an all black ensemble, and visible flesh in order to be allowed into an establishment. Noted.

I still can't believe I packed up my entire life and moved to a strange city. This is the scariest thing I've ever done but I'm so glad I did it. Moral of the story is, it's never too late to change direction.

The Benesh Beauties

On this International Women's Day, I'm celebrating one of the women that taught me what exactly that label means. 

Marjorie Del Benesh was born on October 11, 1921. From conception, she was already competing with a man, her twin brother. She grew up with privilege, an affluent family in an affluent neighborhood of Detroit. The norm? Yacht clubs and parties and double-booking dates (she once hid in a coat closet when a second suitor arrived at her door). She was absolutely breathtaking and if I'm being honest, she probably used this to her advantage on more than one occasion. She was a dancer. An architect. A doctor's assistant. She was a wife. A mother. A divorcee. A sole caregiver and breadwinner. She watched death take two of her children. One to pneumonia and the other to cancer. She drank. She smoke. She adored "the shops." She was loyal. She was strong. She was independent. My grandmother was many things, all of which made her a woman. 

Once the Alzheimer's began stealing from her mind, she needed more help than she was willing to admit. This was incredibly difficult for a woman who had lived the majority of her life relying on herself. She left us just as we would have expected her to, gracefully and with a fight. On October 20, 2008, my grandmother passed away wearing her favorite pajamas and surrounded by the love of the people she had touched.

My grandmother influenced many of the women in my life who have led me by example, the Benesh Beauties: my mother, my aunts Sue and Margie, my sister Amanda, and my cousins Anne and Caitie. I've seen each of them work hard for what they have. I've seen them broken. I've seen them love. I've seen them stand up for others who couldn't stand up for themselves. Today and everyday I'm thankful for them and for many others who have shown me how to be a woman. I am the strong, independent, emotional, stubborn, thrifty, creative, sarcastic, open-minded, and passionate person I am simply because all of you have shown me that every single one of those qualities is perfect in its own right. Thank you for showing me what it is to be a woman.

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"You can never be too skinny or too rich." - Daily mantra.

"I pay my taxes" - An excuse to basically do whatever you want, whenever you want.

"Rub up!" - When moisturizing, so as to avoid wrinkles.

"Always suck in." - Obvi.

"You can always return it." - Buy now, try on later.

"Don't you like it?" - To anyone who ever turned down anything she was offering to you at the dinner table.