Yes. That was intended to sound sexual. I haven't done one of these since 2016; how else was I supposed to grab your attention?
Listen up, folks. I feel like Christmas stockings don't get enough credit. While the contents of the Christmas stocking were once the only gifts children received at Christmas (filled with oranges and other super random items), they have now become an afterthought. They are the reason my parents raced to 7-11 at midnight, desperate to find useless items to shove into an oversized sock. Christmas stockings have been pushed into the shadows. We mindlessly pull goodies out of them knowing the fat man in the red suit left all the good stuff under the tree. I am here today to put a stop to this nonsense.
Are you nodding your head 'yes' enthusiastically at this point? Continue reading, my friend. I'm about to knock your socks off (obnoxious and obvious pun totally intended).
If you're dating a woman - first off, congrats because we are amazing; and also, yikes - shopping for us must be brutal. Especially when it comes to health and beauty products. So if you're a man reading this (and I haven't lost you by now), have no fear - I'm here. I'm about to tell you how to stuff your lady's stockings with the best goddamn goodies she's ever seen. Alright, I'll stop with the innuendos.
1.) RevitaLash Advanced Eyelash Conditioner - If you buy one product because you read this post, please make it this one. I've tried eyelash extensions - they are super expensive and high-maintenance. I've tried fiber mascara - it's messy. This is the only product I've come across in my 30 years of being a woman that actually gives me the long lashes I'm looking for and bonus, they are 100% mine. In fact, it works so well my guy actually complimented me on them. Whoa.
*DEAL ALERT* at the time of this posting, this is $30 cheaper than it normally is. Seriously dudes, buy this for your lady. This shit works.
2.) Dermal Collagen Facial Mask - I'm of the age now where a solid skincare regiment is no longer an "if I feel like it" option. Slap the description "anti-aging" on literally anything and I guarantee I'll do a double-take and possibly buy in bulk from Amazon. Enter sheet masks. I love a good sheet mask after a rough day and these ones in particular leave my face soft as butter after using them. What's even better is that you can get these in a bundle of 16 for a little over $10.
3.) Batiste Dry Shampoo - Gents, I'm going to fill you in on a dirty, little secret. Does your girl have great volume? Perfect curls that stay in place? A surprisingly strong floral-scented scalp that you've never really questioned before but now in this moment it's giving you pause? It's not her. It's the dry shampoo. We don't wash our hair every day a.) because we're lazy and b.) because it is REALLY bad for your hair to strip it of natural oils and then burn the shit out of it every morning. I go through about two cans a month, three if my social calendar is empty. Buy this for your girl and save on your water bill.
4.) Invisibobble Original Hair Tie - How many of your girl's hair ties have you found on door knobs, bed posts, gear shifts, etc.? Truly there aren't enough hair ties in the world to keep us satisfied. BUT, these guys are hard to lose (look how fun they are!) and they also do minimal damage to hair compared to other hair ties. This product also claims to not leave a kink in your hair when you take it out - I think this really depends on hair type so no promises on that one.
5.) Aquis - Original Hair Towel - I feel like I should earn an honorary degree for all of the wisdom I am imparting on the male species right now. So sometimes we wash our hair. And when we do, the big no-no most women make is putting their hair up in a heavy, cotton towel while it's drying. Stop doing that! It's really bad for your hair! Use this instead. It's super light which means it's gentle on your hair. Also, for the lucky ladies with super thick and long hair, this thing promises to dry your hair more quickly than a conventional towel. I can't attest to that because my hair is basically dry as soon as I turn the water off. Pro tip: use this to cover your hair while you're doing an overnight conditioning mask so you don't ruin your pillows.
6.) Neutrogena Makeup Remover Towelettes - Raise your hand if your lady has ruined each and every one of your towels with makeup (I think I owe my mother an entire new set). Truth is, makeup is a bitch. Putting it on, wearing it, taking it off. The whole thing sucks and if I was one of those girls who could pull off the no-makeup look, TRUST I WOULD. Anyways, makeup remover wipes do just what they say they'll do. Also, earn bonus points with your SO by leaving these in her nightstand for when she's super lazy and doesn't feel like washing her face before bed. It be like that sometimes.
7.) Cremo Moisturizing Shave Cream - Let me start this one off by saying you have to follow the directions for this to work. And once you figure out how to do that you will save so much money on shaving cream. I searched through my Amazon orders to find out when I last bought this. You guys, I've had my current bottle since mid-June. No comment on how often I shave my legs. Anyways, this isn't ordinary shaving cream. Besides the fact this stuff smells like I'm on a tropical island surrounded by no one (my dream vacation), it works by using a tiny amount of product activated by hot water (the hottest you can stand). The texture is completely different than regular shave cream so don't be freaked out by that. I've been using this stuff for three years and I'll never go back.
8.) Shhhowercap - As I'm writing this post I'm getting increasingly more aware that men just have it way too easy. Anyways, next on the definitive guide is the most amazing shower cap in existence. Yes, shower cap. Like your great grandmother used to wear. Alright guys, get over it - now that we've discovered dry shampoo we're simply not going to go back to washing our hair every day. Moving on - this thing repels water. Not in a regular shower cap way. In like, a NASA employee mastered science and figured out how to keep this thing permanently dry kind of way. Haven't won you over yet? This thing also has some kind of Harry Potter sorcery included as a package deal because it somehow blocks humidity which is the #1 enemy of a good hair day.
9.) UGG Womens Cozy Sparkle Socks - I realize that socks will go down with underwear as being the worst gifts you can give someone but, before you pass on stuffing a sock into a significantly larger sock and call it a gift - hear me out. When's the last time your lady cuddled up to you and used you as a personal heating pad for her feet? Probably always. I received these as a gift last year and they are my favorite pair of cozy socks to date. Pair with an oversized sleep shirt to complete the look.
Pretty sure I just filled my good deed quota for 2018. Good luck out there, men. If you follow this guide, I promise you - you can't go wrong. Ladies, feel free to subtly hint at wanting these items by posting this directly onto your SO's Facebook page.
