My Body, Your Body

If you didn't instantly start singing Pretty Ricky's 2005 legendary hit upon reading that title, you are lying.

It's ironic that I'm writing about body image because as I type this I'm drinking kombucha and munching on celery sticks. Which in and of itself isn't all that bad except that this is all I've eaten so far today (2:10 PM over here). So it turns out this is still something I'm working on. How timely.

I've struggled with body image for a very long time. I can't tell you how many diets I've been on and exercise programs I've started and only a couple times completed (you can read about one of them here and here). My weight has yo-yo'd all of my life, from 115 (at a time when I was struggling the most with depression and anxiety) all the way to 145 (when I had a constant inner monologue of treat yo self).

It's a work in progress, hence why it's one of my 30 Before 30 goals.

There are parts of my body that I hate (my arms) but also parts that I love (my butt) and even parts that I'm like yeah, okay whatever (hooray for small boobs!). Let's be real, I'm probably never ever going to love my big arms. But I have started to appreciate them. They help me do countless Chaturangas during an hour of yoga in a 90 degree room. I love that I'm one of the few females in my pilates and yoga classes to choose full plank push-ups. So although my arms are not as petite as I'd like them to be, they do a hella good job of getting me through a 6am yoga sesh.

Challenge: pick something you dislike (or even hate) about your body and instead of trying to to use the Snapchat beauty filter or just ignore its existence altogether, find a way to appreciate that part of you.

And if you can't do this for you, do it for the little girls who call you mommy, gramma, or auntie. We learn to hate our bodies from society so let's try to change the conversation.

Thoughts I Have While Running

I've been having fun with these "stream of consciousness" posts I've been doing lately. I thought I'd do one on running because I know I can't be the only one here! Currently on week 3 of my half marathon training plan...

Okay. It's only 6 miles. Sixty minutes. That's like only 17 songs on Bieber's new album. I can run for 17 songs. I wonder what I look like running. This wedgie is seriously cutting off the circulation to my left ass cheek. Oh my god I need that puppy in my life. How has it only been .5 miles? Ohhh, love this song. Seriously, I wonder if I look like Phoebe running. Slow song. Skip. Tourists, I will run into you if you don't share the effing sidewalk. LEFT! How do people talk and run? I can barely think and run. PUPPY! If I slow down maybe I can hit that red light and catch my breath. Oh, he's cute. Heyyyy. Why are my calves on fire? Why are my quads on fire? Shin splints. Forgot about those. What a bitch. I could really go for a Mickey D's fry right about now. What should I make for dinner? I hate running. Hate. Hate. Hate. Oh goody, only 5 more miles to go.

I know you feel me. You know those people that say, "once you do it, you'll feel better." I want to punch those people between the eyes. I never feel good after! And on that note, good luck with your work outs today! 

Tone It Up: Revisited

This is what would have been my last week of Tone It Up's 8 week bikini program. I'm just gonna lay it all out there and be honest - I lasted two weeks. During those two weeks I actually impressed myself with my self-control. But it seems that was short lived.

I need to face the music and come to terms with the fact that I'm probably never going to be a size zero again. I'm also never ever going to have the time to work out twice a day for the rest of my life, or meal prep for 4 hours every Sunday (unless my dreams of becoming a stay-at-home mom wife are realized). I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm just saying it's not going to work for me.

I've realized that being healthy is truly a lifestyle choice and the key to this lifestyle is balance. I can't afford the time or money it takes to look like Karena and Katrina. I have way too much going on in my life to add "washboard abs" to the list. It's just not going to happen right now. And that hasn't been easy to accept. Mostly because I have a very bad habit of comparing myself to others. The truth is, I don't want to go to a baseball game and say no to a beer and hot dog. I also don't want to come home from work at 9:30 at night and go for a run. I want to stop feeling guilty. So I'm going to incorporate balance into my healthy lifestyle.

*I just did a google search for "inspirational shit"

So here's my new plan. I'm going to eat better (like limiting the amount of raw cookie dough I eat while binging on HGTV's Fixer Upper) and work out at least 3x a week. That's it. That's my plan. And it's going to be enough.

I know the majority of you don't care about my eating and exercise habits - that wasn't really the purpose of this post. I just want you to know that you are good enough. I know that's not always the way you feel. To be honest, I feel inferior most days (unless I'm three drinks deep at happy hour, then I feel like I am better than everyone, everywhere).

Life isn't perfect - it was never meant to be. We all have our own shit going on that maybe no one else knows about. Stop comparing yourself to those around you. Sometimes, a good day just means you got out of bed and made it through the day without crying. That's okay. Count those days as a win. Every time you try - regardless of whether it's in life or in a 45 minute Insanity workout - you are winning.

Now go out there and be the bad ass I know you are - whether you're dominating your Chipotle burrito bowl or dominating a lunchtime run.

Tone It Up

Two weeks ago I started on a fitness journey that has proven to be pretty eye opening. I started Tone It Up's Bikini Series Nutrition and Workout Plan. Spend two minutes on their website and you'll want to do anything it takes to look like the trainers, Karena and Katrina. I'm currently in the 130s and would be dreaming love if I could get down to 115 lbs. I have just two problems. I love food and I hate working out. No big deal, right?

Wrong. This is hard work. Like really hard. Like math class hard. It's a mental battle just as much a physical one. I kid you not, someone brought in doughnuts to work the other day and for 7.5 painstaking hours, I had to tell myself over and over and over and over and over that I did not need that doughnut and that I did not want that doughnut. But I did want it! I wanted it so bad! I would have offered up my unborn child for that doughnut. I made it through those 7.5 hours and then went home to egg whites and my second workout of the day.

Flash forward to day 18 of my Tone It Up journey. It was a shitty day at work on top of a shitty week at work and some asshole brought in homemade chocolate chip cookies the size of my face. I lasted all goddamn day and then at 3pm I caved and ate it. It was so good. It was moist and chocolatey and everything I could have ever asked for. Almost immediately I felt this overwhelming guilt. And by the time I got home I was starving and told myself "Eff it!" I've already cheated, might as well go out with a bang! So I made a huge plate of Step Brother's nachos and went to town. Then I topped that off with a couple pieces of bread and butter and a handful of cocoa nibs. On top of all of that, I didn't do my PM workout and I didn't wake up for my AM workout. I was a TRAIN WRECK. And then I took a step back and was SHOCKED.

How could food have this much power over me? Seriously, I was willing to sell my soul to the devil for a doughnut. And then one cookie sent me into a binge eating session. What the hell? I mean I know I love food but I didn't know I had an emotional relationship with food! This sounds like some Jerry Springer shit.

I've recovered from my binge and I'm currently munching on some cashews with visions of Sweet Green's Guacamole Greens Salad dancing in my head. I say all of that to say this: this "fitness journey" I'm on is going to do more than just help me lose weight (hopefully). It's going to test my will power. It's going to sever my emotional relationship with food - to which I say "good riddance!" I don't want to be controlled by anything. I want to be the one in control of my life. I'm sure this won't be the last time I go nuts and eat everything I'm not supposed to, but at least it won't be uncharted territory at that point.

Follow my Tone It Up journey on my TIU instagram page!