Too Much. Not Enough.

I had big plans for 2020. This was supposed to be the year that I became a better version of me. Melissa 3.1. And then very slowly but seemingly all at once, the world stopped turning and now when we ask "how are you doing?", we mean it. 

My aspirations weren't too high. I was going to pay off the last of my student loans. Take solo cultural vacations. Start dating again. Take the GMAT. Lose that extra 10. Start writing again. 

I wanted to better myself. I wanted to BE better. 

Last September I suffered a heartache that rocked me more than I expected it to. And instead of understanding that some things just aren't meant to be, I thought something was wrong with me.

Introverted. Not pretty. Not skinny. Too uptight. Emotional baggage. Anxious. Emotionally intense. Too career driven. Not career driven enough. Dependent. Desperate. Insecure.

Too much. Not enough.

My plans obviously fell through. Instead of "fixing" what I thought was wrong with me this year, I've had to sit and be content with who I am in this moment. 

This isn't my modus operandi. When met with "no" or "not right now" I usually take matters into my own hands. I move to the big, scary city. I get the salary increase. I go back to school so I can say that I did. I can point to endless examples throughout my life where I was told I wasn't enough in one way or another, and then I proved them wrong. 

But in 2020 I've had to be still and take inventory.

I'm really good at my job and have the credentials to prove it. I care deeply about others and it's actually a really great quality, not something I should be ashamed of. I have family and friends who would and have done anything for me and those relationships are enough. I don't need to look rail thin in order to feel pretty, I just need to be healthy. I don't need to have kids by 35 to feel like I've accomplished something. I am perfectly enough just as I am.  

I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a daily struggle for me. My internal dialogue has mainly consisted of arguments with myself. And it can be really hard to unlearn the negative way we talk to ourselves. But I'm trying.

Listen, I'm not a life coach. But I have a feeling a lot of us thought this was going to be our year. What's that saying? Never waste a crisis? I don't think this is what they had in mind. But maybe sometimes doing nothing is better than doing it all. Maybe it's okay to be still this year and learn to be enough for yourself. If I'm being honest, it's one of the biggest challenges I've faced and I'm not convinced I'll be able to do it. But maybe I'll prove myself wrong.