What Nobody Told Me About Being a Rape Victim

There is a very real possibility that you will see your rapist in public. 

Or, in my case, on a dating app. It's going to take your breath away and then you will go lock yourself in the bathroom for 45 minutes due to your immediate need to throw up and shit your brains out at the same time.

You're probably not okay

No matter how many times you say it and no matter how many times you actually really do feel okay. One minute you'll be all "the past is the past" and "I'm totally fine, I don't need therapy" *flips hair off shoulder* and then some fucking moron will post something on social media blaming victims and you'll totally lose your shit on them and promptly ask to go home early because you can't stop shaking and crying.

Some things will trigger you and some won't.

You might be able to watch a rape scene in a movie while continuing to shovel handfuls of popcorn into your mouth but then read about a massive sexual harassment scandal in the news and be unable to focus the rest of the day. *shrugs*  It doesn't make sense to me either.

People will constantly apologize for making references to rape.

There is a difference between making a reference and making a joke. Rape jokes aren't funny and reveal a lot about someone's character. If you're saying you took an Uber home from the bar because you didn't want to get raped on your walk home, that doesn't tell me you're a jackass that tells me you've got street smarts. Maybe try Uber Pool though and save a couple bucks?

Some people won't want to date you because you have been raped. 

FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. There is nothing wrong with you and the fact that you are still alive and willing to date in the first place is a testament to your resilience and strength. They should be so lucky to date you.

You might feel guilty about wanting to have sex. 

Wanting to have sex again after you've been raped doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or that you deserved to be raped or that you weren't raped in the first place. You're a human being with very natural desires. Orgasms are great (sorry, mom!). And have you heard the news? Females can achieve multiple o's! 

Assholes will react like assholes to your rape story. 

"Did you get an STD test?" and "I don't have the stomach for that" are just some of the gems I've heard. Dude - Fuck. You. Hey, if anyone was wondering about a foolproof way of responding to hearing someone's rape story, here it is. Ready? 1) Look concerned. 2) Say you're sorry (it doesn't matter that you didn't rape me, it's just a nice thing to say). 3) Try not to tell me about someone else's rape story you heard (this is about me right now, not you). 4) And thank me for trusting you with this information. 

On a very serious note, I want to put out the reminder that there isn't a textbook on how to survive a sexual assault. There is only one rule: don't harm yourself. If you're a survivor, I hope you know that you are brave and strong for not only enduring your assault, but for continuing day after day while dealing with this shit. This isn't a club I'd ever want to be a part of but now that I'm here I gotta say, we're a bunch of bad asses and I'm pretty proud of that. 

A Dirty Martini and a Meltdown

A couple of weeks ago I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. Just kidding, if you were one of the unfortunate souls that saw/heard from me that day you know it was actually a complete shitstorm. To summarize, I was having a horrible day/week and then I opened a 33oz bottle of sparkling water (necessary detail: mandarin orange flavored) which exploded all over me and my office literally one minute before I was supposed to be in a meeting. In a soaking wet silk blouse that was clinging to my body (that wasn’t supposed to sound sexual but I’m going to roll with it), I walked very calmly to the bathroom where I proceeded to lock myself in a stall and totally lose my fucking shit.

You guys, I was a wreck. This breakdown was essentially the culmination of multiple stressful situations occurring simultaneously in which I had absolutely no control. So naturally, after work I went to a bar that makes the best dirty martini in NYC, conveniently located two blocks from my apartment. It helped. 

As I was sipping on my dinner, I was thinking about all of the problems swirling around in my head and feeling sorry for myself. As one does. Don’t get me wrong, about 90% of these problems were legitimate problems. I wasn’t overreacting. But I have enough self-awareness to recognize that I am extremely lucky to be where I am in life. After all, I’m alive.

There’s been a lot of super shitty shit (that B.S. in Creative Writing coming through for me once again) going on in the world lately. Between natural disasters, (preventable) mass shootings, and our Oompa Loompa of a President leading us into a Third World War via Twitter, emotions are high.

You might be feeling the impacts of some or all of these situations. No doubt you have your own shit to deal with. Maybe your cancer came back. You had a miscarriage. Your spouse cheated on you. Your mother died. You lost your job. You lost your house. Maybe you lost everything. Whatever it is - big or small - whatever your own 33oz bottle of mandarin orange-flavored sparkling water is, please don’t give up.

I know the pain is real. It's fast and it isn't fleeting. I know what it’s like to feel everything all at once and to wish the pain would just stop. Today is hard. It's hell. I can't promise you that tomorrow will be better. Or even the next day. What I can promise you is that you can survive it. And I can promise you that there are people who are counting on seeing you tomorrow. There are people who want to help you ease this pain. They want to see you get better.

This is your reminder that it’s okay to feel pain and vulnerability. And it’s also okay to talk to someone about it.

NYC: One Year Review

Was definitely supposed to write this a while ago and publish yesterday but is anyone really surprised? Because I'm not.

Sooooo, yesterday was my NYC One Year Anniversary. WHAT?! I don't know if it's because I'm really having that much fun or if it's because I'm old now, but this year has flown by. A year ago I packed my life into a sixteen-foot truck and hauled it up to the craziest, scariest, most exciting city in the United States. The very best place on earth. Alright fine, I'm probably overdoing it. Some people say I'm still in the honeymoon phase but whatevs, I love it here and I haven't regretted this decision for one second.

Friends keep asking if I'll stick around for a while. I have no idea. I know that I can't see myself moving away from this amazing city anytime soon but I'm also excited to see how far I can push my limits. If an opportunity presented itself, I'd have no problem picking up and starting over again. If I've learned anything about myself over this past year it's that I am so much more independent and self-sufficient than I thought. 

Some things have changed since I last checked in with you all. Keep reading. If you've gotten this far, I already know you have nothing better to do. 

The Rent: It kind of hurts to write a check for that large of a sum every month knowing I have friends back home in Michigan whose mortgage is 1/3 of what I pay. Yeah, it would be nice to have a house and a yard but HAVE YOU SEEN MY VIEW?!

The Rats: Okay, I've seen one now. It was the size of a cat. And it was terrifying.

The Subway: I use it more now because Uber made me poor. It's so easy and much more efficient than staying above ground. If you're visiting NYC I'd recommend this mode of transportation over anything else. It can be intimidating but if you ask someone for help, I promise you'll be okay.

The People: Oof. This one is tricky. I think the best way to sum up the majority of New Yorkers is that they look out for #1. And I get it. This city is tough. I learned pretty quickly (or maybe not so much) that it's the ones that use you that you gotta watch out for. People keep telling me I'm too nice. Maybe they're right.

The Dates: Not telling! Alright, alright, I'll give you one little nugget. The worst date so far was when this dude made me go all the way out to Brooklyn to meet him at a movie theater. That should have been my first red flag. Then he showed up late so I had to buy the tickets. Whatever, I'm an independent, successful female; I can buy my own shit. The deal breaker was when he dropped me off three blocks from my apartment while I was wearing heels because he didn't want to have to go down a one-way street. I am here to tell you that chivalry is dead.

The Nightlife: I haven't really gone out much lately. I'm on this crazy marathon training plan so all of my calories are going towards fueling my body instead of getting drunk. Omg. Is this adulting?!

The Food: There is a difference between a NY bagel and a bagel anywhere else. Also, if I could eat Wafels & Dinges every day of my life and not become diabetic and obese, please know that I would. #alwayshungry

The Smell: There is nothing like stepping outside every morning and being greeted by the smell of a homeless man's piss. If that's the price I have to pay to live in this great city, so be it.