MIA

It's been a while. Like way too long. Here's the thing...

I've talked about my battle with anxiety and depression before (if you want a recap, read about it here). I don't think it's something you can be magically cured from. For me anyways, I think this will be something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not walking around in a cloud of depression and anxiety 24/7. In fact, for the last 4-5 years, I have been feeling like my "normal" self. But there are times when I start to spiral and it always catches me off guard. It's like I forgot how disabling it can be. And then I quickly remember. Eff. 

I manage my anxiety very well without medication (*brushes shoulder off*). At night, I take hot baths to calm myself down and reset my head. I work through it during the day - sometimes the adrenaline from an anxiety attack is like a shot of espresso and I find myself whooping ass and taking names. This is what my days are like on average. But sometimes during extremely stressful times (aka the last 4 weeks of my life), it has the complete opposite effect. It's debilitating. I can't think. I literally can't move. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. And all of the sudden everything is wrong and I cannot see past the obstacle immediately in front of me.

Most of you won't understand this and I've learned to accept it. I can't tell you how many time I've received the sage advice, "just don't think about it." Oookkkaayyyy.... It doesn't work like that. It's not something I can shut off. Can you turn off your diabetes? Didn't think so. It's an illness that requires management, maintenance, and sometimes medication (didn't even plan that alliteration but you're welcome (I wanted so badly to throw in "meditation")).

Okay, I'm done harping. But I wanted to give an explanation for why I've been absent. To be honest, you're probably going to hear crickets from me for the next 4 weeks. But I'll be back. Promise :)

In the mean time, please watch this video as it will never not be funny.

Dear Raleigh

I know you just got here, but there are a few things I think you should know before you're carried out those hospital doors.

Your mom is going to be your best friend. There will be times in your life when you won't get along with her. You might even say "I hate you" after she strictly enforces your curfew. Your personalities might clash and you will more than likely disagree on just about everything. But I promise you, there will come a day when you realize you can tell her absolutely everything with no judgement. You will realize that she loves you so fiercely, others can't even fathom it.

Learn to love your body. Regardless of how you grow into it, I want you to know that it is perfect. It is a work of art. It is composed of trillions and trillions of cells that are working together to allow you to breathe and walk and see. I want you to look in the mirror every day and know that you are enough. I mourn the day someone makes you feel like you're not. Be in love with every inch of your body. Take care of it. Cherish it. And please don't try to look like anyone else. Your curves and scars and bony flesh are what make you so beautiful.

Be careful of who you give your heart to. Falling in love is one of the best things this life has to offer. But whoever this person is, man or woman, they should be in awe of who you are. They should respect you. Your ideas. Your body. Your emotions. They should care for you as if you are an extension of themselves. The second they are giving you anything less, walk away. Don't waste this beautiful gift of love on them.

Girls can be mean. This doesn't end after elementary school. Or middle school. Or high school. Or college. It doesn't end when you become an "adult." There are mean girls everywhere. Pick your friends wisely. Choose the ones that make you feel good about who you are. Choose the ones that pick your side, no matter what. And you might only have one. I promise you, this person will be your soul mate. Your confidante. They will help you pick up the broken pieces of yourself when you are shattered. They will rejoice with you when you are invincible. Don't let this person go.

I love you little Raleigh. I haven't even met you yet and my heart is already swelling with pride and love for who you are and who you are going to be.

Sending all of my love to my best friend and her fiance who just welcomed their first child into this world. Xoxo.