You might think it's really easy to write. You might think the words just flow. No pauses. No questions. No edits. Some days I can write and write and write and there are still more words inside of me. But some days the idea of writing is painful. Some days there aren't words in the English language to describe what I'm feeling. And sometimes what I'm feeling is so exhausting that I can't even muster the energy to write about it.
My cursor has been blinking on this post for over a year. Partly because I'm having a hard time finding the words and partly because I'm not positive whatever words I do come up with should be floating around the internet. I don't want to be dramatic. I don't want to be mysterious. I'm not fishing for questions and comments. I really don't even want to publish this post. But I need to get this out.
Recently, I've let go of someone very important to me. It wasn't an easy decision and it's an unnatural goodbye. But the relationship had become so toxic that its poison was seeping into almost every area of my life. I tried repeatedly to remedy the situation. I put aside my feelings for the sake of the relationship. I stifled words that should have been spoken a very long time ago. I tried caring too much and I tried not caring at all. And still...here I am.
Part of growing up is realizing when to walk away from situations that cause you harm. It's even harder to do so when you don't want to walk away. I feel guilty. Selfish. Uncaring. Like a horrible human being. And then I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with prioritizing my own mental health and happiness. This has been the hardest lesson I've had to learn as an adult. Sometimes you have to love from a distance.
If you're struggling in a toxic relationship, I hope you know it's okay to walk away. I know it's not going to be easy. It doesn't matter if it's a sibling, lover or parent. I want you to know that regardless of what kind of love it is, it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't manipulate. You are allowed to preserve your happiness.
