Online Dating Tips for Bros

I know, I've done it before. I've bitched about dating as an adult. And in an attempt to be a more positive person, I've prepared a quick "go-to guide" for you fellas to consult while constructing your online dating profile. Because sweet Jesus, I might be getting carpal tunnel from swiping left all day. I've outlined instances that constitute an immediate swipe left or swipe right based on my own experiences. Ladies, feel free to submit additions to either lists in the comments. Also: men, please stop using the opening line, "Hey." A head nod doesn't do it for me anymore because I'm not 15 years old. 

Automatic Swipe Left:

• Pics of you vaping in a button down shirt buttoned all. the. way. down.
• Pics of you vaping
• Group pics and only group pics. Where the fuck is Waldo?
• Wardrobes consisting of Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc.
• Claiming to be 32 but looking 52.
• Claiming to be 32 but looking 12.
• Bathroom pics. How embarrassing.
• "Entrepreneur" as your occupation. AKA, unemployed.
• Any affiliation with the RNC/GOP. #HillaryforPresident
• Daywalker. I'm half ginge, I can't take any chances.
• Your bio lists all of the places you traveled. "OMG, you climbed Machu Picchu? Tell me more."
• Pics of you shooting a gun
• Talking about working on The Hill

Automatic Swipe Right:

• Pics of your puppy
• Pics of you and your puppy
• Pics of your puppy sleeping 
• Pics of your puppy with a baby 
• Pics of your puppy sleeping with a baby *Oh my ovaries*
• Quoting Step Brothers
• Quoting Happy Gilmore
• Quoting Home Alone

Me Too

I originally planned on simply typing out a quick Facebook status to thank everyone for the incredible support you showed me regarding my last post. But then I got a private message. And then another. And another. And I couldn't simply slap a thank you up on social media. I had to talk about it. Because not a lot of people are.

"Me too. That happened to me too."

My heart aches for all of you. I hate that someone took something so precious from you. I hate that now you have to wonder when to tell a guy. When is too soon? When is too late? I hate that you're afraid to tell your truth because you worry he'll be afraid to touch you. I hate that you're afraid for him to touch you.

"My mind was racing back through the years thinking of different situations...the way you so blatantly put some of that had me wondering if I could have been guilty of anything like that."

Please know that it's not enough to teach your daughters to be careful. It's not enough to tell them to never leave their drink unattended, always walk in packs, carry pepper spray. It's not enough because that doesn't prevent rape. Teach your sons to respect women. Teach them that sex is not something you take or beg for. It's something that should be willingly given.

Throughout this experience I've learned quite a bit about the process. I've learned that there are going to be fucking idiots who say the absolute worst thing you could possibly say to a sexual assault victim ("Did you learn your lesson?"). I've learned that there are a lot of these idiots out there. I've learned that not everyone is going to believe you. And I've learned that those people don't deserve to be in your life. I've figured out that you'll be fine for months and then one day something will remind you of him and you'll spend the rest of the night sitting in your shower trying to get clean.

I can't promise you that it will get better. Because the truth is, you've changed. There's no going back. But I can promise you that talking about it is the most liberating thing you can do. For me, it was the only power I had over him. He wasn't holding his hand over my mouth anymore.

I really struggled with whether or not I wanted to go public with this. I realized the risk. I realized that some people wouldn't be able to look at me the same. But if I was able to give comfort to someone or make someone else stop and think about their actions, I'd say it was worth it.

If you need someone to talk to, someone who has been through something similar, I'm here. Because it happened to me too.